dear cash: mothers day

Dear Cash,
I'm curled up in bed tonight with the same blanket and stuffed frog I gave you the day you were born.. It makes me feel close to you. It's been almost 2 years since I became your birthmom. My second Mother's Day was no easier than the first, but between these tears that roll down my cheeks are smiles because I know you are so happy.

Cash, I hope you gave your mom an extra hug for me today. She sure is an amazing woman. You are so lucky to have her as a mommy. Each time I see you two together I am overcome with joy... she loves you so much, and its easy to see ! She once told me that as she takes care of you, she thinks of me and wonders if I would be happy with the way she is raising you. And Cash, I am. I couldn't imagine a better mother than yours. She loves you and your sister more than anything, and would give the world to you if you asked for it. I know with all my heart that she will help mold you into the perfect man you one day will be.

Although I could never compare to your mom, promise me you will always remember that you have two mothers who love you equally.

Happy Mothers Day, Y. I love you ! 

the agape project

This is an amazing video posted by a friend who is an adoptive mother. It touched my heart immensely, as I'm sure it will do the same to you. As Birthmothers Day and Mothers Day approach this weekend, let us remember everyone involved in the beautiful thing we call adoption. 

Agape ; Selfless LOVE of one person for another 

what is birthmothers day?

I found this great article online, and knew I needed to share it with all of you. This has made me feel a thousand times better about the upcoming holiday, and am so grateful for a group of women who recognized the need Birthmoms have. I hope this gives you all a better look at what Mothers Day is like for a Birthmother, and what our thought process is about the whole thing. 

What is Birth Mother's Day?

"Birth Mother's Day is a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers, the women who lost/placed their children in adoption. It is held on the second Saturday in May. Birth Mother's Day was created out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year- second only to the birthday of our missing children. 

Most people are simply unaware that for the rest of their lives, many birth mothers feel sorrow, and love, for the children they have lost through adoption. This is partly because there has never been place or a way for birth mothers to tell their stories. Our pain has been made invisible by a society that tells us we can forget. Without permission to grieve by those around us, we have lived in isolation and silence with a great wound upon our hearts and souls. We have lived with the unspeakable sorrow of a mother's loss, a mother who lives separated from her child.

Despite this invisibility, and denial, birth mothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound life-changing experiences. 
The birth experience impacts a woman for the rest of her life. Connections of heart, spirit, and biology are forged. Eternal connections are made that cannot be dissolved by ink and paper. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences- grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birth mother. It is with her the rest of her life. 
Some birth mothers ultimately find peace with the adoption decision, but even more live with it as an open wound. It is a wound for which little understanding or help has come from those who advocate, facilitate and profit from adoption

Mother's Day brings a birth mother's feelings and memories rushing forward like the tide. Most of us have endured this annual event in isolation, invisibility, silence and secret grief, acknowledging our motherhood and our absent child only to ourselves. Birth Mother's Day was created to help birth mothers move through this torrent of memory and feeling. It is a way to take back our rightful name of Mother and to celebrate ourselves as birth givers- the ones who give life. It is a way to expand the celebration of Mother's Day to make it inclusive of all the mothers in our communities. It is a day to remember and to celebrate the birth of our children- an experience many of us were denied. In doing this we affirm our connection and feeling for our children. We create a space to tell our stories and become fully human again- with names, faces, voices and compassion for ourselves and our experiences.

Birth Mother's Day is held on the day before Mother's Day.  A separate day allows all of the feelings to be acknowledged, especially those that are painful and rooted in grief. Birth mothers who have had other children expressed feeling torn between the Mother's Day celebrations of the children they are raising and the memory of the child who is absent. A separate day allows for observance and expression of both circumstances.

Our motherhood comes first and makes possible the motherhood of another woman- the adoptive mother. If we had not given birth, there would be no child for the adoptive mother (and father) to parent. Observing Birth Mother's Day on the Saturday prior to Mother's day symbolically represents this reality. Adopted children have two mothers. Our shared child links us one to one another. The intention is not to detract from those who are parenting our children, but to make this annual observance inclusive of all the mothers in the lives of our children and our communities. Observing Birth Mother's Day could also create a time for families of adopted children to talk openly about birth families and the ways we are all connected to one another through our children.

Mother's Day was originally founded by Julia Ward Howe, as a day for peace, in which the mothers of the world would commit themselves to peace by not allowing their children to kill another mother's child in war. This commitment was based on the shared understanding of a mother's love and the terrible grief of losing a child. In recognizing the love and the sorrow of birth mothers, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace-making and healing. It stands in contrast to an adoption system that has been built upon the destruction of the birth family relationship, destruction with consequences for the adoptive family as well. Truth cannot be whole without all its parts. People cannot be whole without all the people who love them. 

mothers day; to celebrate, or not to celebrate

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that mothers day is a week away... It seemed to come so fast ! 

Last year mother's day was a really bitter-sweet event, as I'm sure this year will be too. I woke up and had to force myself to get out of bed and put a happy face on.. which I have evidently become very good at doing, ha ha. My own mother was perhaps the only one who acknowledged that this day would be difficult for me, and she got me a small gift that meant a lot. (A charm for my Thomas Sabo bracelet) We went to my sisters for dinner, and on my way there I received a phone call from a really special person, who is serving a mission for my church. I felt Gods hand in my life that day, because that call was exactly what I needed. I continued throughout the day with a smile on my face, celebrating my sisters, mom, and grandma.. while trying my hardest to fight through the real emotions I was feeling. 

As this mother's day approaches, I have the same anxious feeling about it and I already dread having to drag myself out of bed. (But of course, I will.) I feel so much pressure to act like everything is okay and that "mothers day" is just another day to me- but in truth, it is far from. How sad is it that a holiday can bring up so many painful memories! The world does not acknowledge "birthmothers" on "mother's day" and it hurts me to say so. I feel that as birthmothers we are forgotten on this day, when we need some extra love and support. I will be the first to admit that I am not Cash's "mom", and I don't try to be. But I hate pretending to overlook the fact that I was a mother for 9 months. That I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and was his mother for 3 days. 

My question to you is this:  As birthmoms, should we celebrate Mother's Day or not? I've been struggling with the answer to this for 2 years now, and have yet to come to a conclusion. 

So until I decide, in a week's time I will be wishing all my friends and family a Happy Mother's Day, while selfishly hoping someone will be thinking of me, too.