Sunday, June 19, 2011

happy birthday, baby boy.

Cash's first birthday has come and gone. 
I treated it as another day- I worked and then went out with my parents and brother and sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate. I tried not to think about it. As soon as everyone left, I couldn't help but think about it.
My heart is absolutely breaking right now to think about it.
This time last year, I was looking at the most perfect child I had ever seen. You lay there, sleeping peacefully in my arms... I thought to myself, "How am I ever going to let you go? I love you too much to." 
I prayed for the strength to remember my reasons. My questions quickly changed to "How could I ever give you less than the best? I love you too much not to." 
Cash, the day you were born, exactly one year ago, I looked into your big beautiful eyes and I promised I would never stop loving you. Bittersweet tears rolled down my cheeks and onto yours, and I prayed that one day you would understand.




Tonight, I'm praying that one day MY heart will understand.
I feel an an emptiness that nothing, and no one but my little boy could ever fill. 

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. I know the pain you speak of all to well. But someone told me yesterday something that made a lot of sense. She said, pain takes us deep with God. Pain makes us sensitive to the hurts others are feeling.

    I know it is hard to imagine now, but someday you will be grateful for how this whole experience has changed your heart in ways you could never dream.

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  2. I'm so sorry for your hurt...so are unimaginably strong:)

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  3. Oh Dallas. I found myself thinking about you soo much that day. I know that it was very difficult for you. You are an inspiration to me and I thank you for being the best mother you can be. By being strong enough and loving him enough to say "You deserve the best and I am going to give you that opportunity."
    Know that in my heart I will always remember you and Cash on this day. Your story has been a huge impact on me, as I was almost in the same situation as you are now.
    Love and Hugs.

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