Sunday, June 19, 2011

happy birthday, baby boy.

Cash's first birthday has come and gone. 
I treated it as another day- I worked and then went out with my parents and brother and sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate. I tried not to think about it. As soon as everyone left, I couldn't help but think about it.
My heart is absolutely breaking right now to think about it.
This time last year, I was looking at the most perfect child I had ever seen. You lay there, sleeping peacefully in my arms... I thought to myself, "How am I ever going to let you go? I love you too much to." 
I prayed for the strength to remember my reasons. My questions quickly changed to "How could I ever give you less than the best? I love you too much not to." 
Cash, the day you were born, exactly one year ago, I looked into your big beautiful eyes and I promised I would never stop loving you. Bittersweet tears rolled down my cheeks and onto yours, and I prayed that one day you would understand.

Tonight, I'm praying that one day MY heart will understand.
I feel an an emptiness that nothing, and no one but my little boy could ever fill. 


  1. I am so sorry. I know the pain you speak of all to well. But someone told me yesterday something that made a lot of sense. She said, pain takes us deep with God. Pain makes us sensitive to the hurts others are feeling.

    I know it is hard to imagine now, but someday you will be grateful for how this whole experience has changed your heart in ways you could never dream.

  2. I'm so sorry for your are unimaginably strong:)

  3. Oh Dallas. I found myself thinking about you soo much that day. I know that it was very difficult for you. You are an inspiration to me and I thank you for being the best mother you can be. By being strong enough and loving him enough to say "You deserve the best and I am going to give you that opportunity."
    Know that in my heart I will always remember you and Cash on this day. Your story has been a huge impact on me, as I was almost in the same situation as you are now.
    Love and Hugs.