and then... i wake up.

You know Sleeping Beauty? Once Upon a Dream? She's in the forest telling her animal friends all about this prince she met. Leading them on and on and getting them all excited.. "We walk together, and talk together, and just before we say goodbye, he takes me in his arms.... and then I wake up. Yes, its only in my dreams."

I keep having these odd dreams a few nights a week.. They are so vivid after I wake up, and I never seem to forget them. They are always similar in nature. In one dream, Curtis and I were staying at D&Y's house, and in another they were staying with us at my house. The 4 of us are talking in the dreams, usually about Cash. It is such a comfortable setting and it seems as though we have been friends for years. Their daughter S is around, playing with us, and I know Cash is too.. The troubling part to me is that I never see him in these dreams. I know he's there, and we talk about him like he's right there, but I just can't see him. I want to see him, and I try so hard to!! But no matter what I do, I always seem to wake up right when I think I'm about to. I've been having dreams like this on and off since June, and not once have I actually seen him in them. I wish I understood what this meant, if it means anything. Ugh. 

"They say if you dream a thing more than once, it's sure to come true." Disney's Sleeping Beauty

November 30, 2009

"Sometimes, the things that happen today  

make us a stronger person for tomorrow."

"I LOVE quotes. I LIVE by quotes. I have quotes all over my bedroom that hold personal meanings. This quote really spoke to me today. YOU aren't a burden to me baby, but the situation I am in is extremely hard for me to handle at times. People say hurtful things, and that doesn't make it any easier. I struggle to stay afloat, but I know I am going to grow so much from this experience, I already have. I feel somewhat blessed, because I believe you are being sent here for a reason. My patriarchal blessing made that clear to me. So Yes, even though things are difficult today, it will be a blessing down the road in life. I won't get discouraged when things get tough. Challenges and trials are a part of God's plan for us here on Earth. Its how we act and react from those problems that make the difference. Always keep your head held high, baby. Never, ever give up. No matter what you may be going through, you'll get through, and come out stronger on the other side. I promise."

inspire.

This video was so great that I knew I had to share it with the world. It's everything I could tell you summed up into one video. It's a little long, but so worth watching. 

getting impatient!

Waiting for my 9 month update from D&Y is like a 6 year old waiting for Santa to come. I keep my phone on me constantly, waiting for it to ring and tell me to come pick it up. I have not heard anything from them since our first visit back in December, and I am anxious to see what they have to say. They still haven't responded to my email. I hope everything is still okay.. Sometimes I worry that our visit made them want to withdraw contact.
Hopefully I get some pictures of him soon. 

I'm trying to stay patient.. I guess all there is to do now is wait. 

9 months.

My little one is 9 months old today. 

I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. 

But that doesn't make it any easier.

I am obviously pro adoption, but I will never sugar coat these feelings I have on the 18th of every month. And just about every other day. I knew it was going to be painful. But if I knew it was going to hurt this much, I probably would have thought about it a little bit more. That's why I get so angry when people say I was being selfish by placing him for adoption. You go right ahead and feel the way I have for the past 9 months and still tell me I was doing the best thing for myself. I have been through hell and back and its a wonder I am even here to let you read this. Even after 9 months it still feels like some part of me is missing. It will probably never go away, and I guess that's okay. It reminds me of the sweetest little boy, and all he has done for me without even knowing it.  

I'm hurting today.. that's nothing new.

Yet even though it's hard.. I'll never regret a second of it.

His hat says "thinking of mommy". I hope he knows his birthmommy is always thinking of him, too. 

"It seems like yesterday has come and gone so fast... but the memories will last... If there's one thing this mother knows, the hardest part is letting go."

always be with you.

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind  
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time.  
There's no use looking back or wondering how it could be 
now or might have been. 

All this I know, but I can't find ways to let you go. 

I never had a dream come true till the day I found you. 

Even though I pretend that I've moved on,  
you'll always be my baby. 

I never found the words to say you're the one I think about each day 


And I know no matter where life takes me to,  
a part of me will always be with you. 

Somewhere in my memory, I've lost all sense of time.  
And tomorrow can never be cause yesterday is all that fills my mind.  


You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget. 


It's no use looking back or wondering because love is a strange and funny thing 

No matter how I try and try I just can't say good-bye.

I never had a dream come true till the day I found you.  

Even though I pretend that I've moved on you'll always be my baby.

A part of me will always be with you.

i miss you.

I miss you

I miss your smile

And I still shed a tear

Every once in a while

And even though it's different now

You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go

And I need you to know

I miss you

I miss you 

I'm thinking back on the past

It's true that time is flying by too fast

I miss you

I miss your smile

And I still shed a tear

Every once in a while

And even though it's different now

You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go

And I need you to know

I miss you

I miss you 

I know you're in a better place, yeah

But I wish that I could see your face, oh

I know you're where you need to be

Even though it's not here with me

I Miss You.

snakes.

Here's some hair and makeup I did for a photoshoot last weekend. I'm tellin' ya, that snake was terrifying. I hate snakes. At one point the snake slithered(?) through the models hair before I did it, and got caught in her bun. There was no way I was touching that thing to get it out, no matter how painful it was for her. It looked hungry, and I was nearby. Sorry, Ashley!