he's not mine.

I got served the Court papers today. This means Cash's adoption is almost finalized. I've known this day was coming. He is already 8 months, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner. I thought I was ready.. but I guess there was no way I could prepare myself for something I hadn't been through before. I's a hard thing to swallow. Really hard. When Curtis asked me what it was that made me cry the most, I couldn't get any words out. The emotions are there, but the words aren't. Sometimes you just can't put into words what you are feeling. There is a sincere amount of happiness for D&Y, and knowing Cash is being well taken care of. However, in a way I feel a sense of loss and pain amongst the joy. Almost as if this is the end of something. But the end to what? I wish I knew what to say. Any day now, Cash's birth certificate will be permanently changed. No longer will he have the name I gave him, or the piece of paper saying I was the one who gave birth to him. Any day now, D&Y could potentially delete me from their lives forever. Now that the papers are approved, what do they need me for? These are all the thoughts running through my head that have been making the tears fall down my cheeks all day. Nothing is different today than it was yesterday. And yet at the same time, everything is. The second I looked at that stack of papers and saw his "new" name, it hit me like a train. Any day now, it could be as though I never existed. I am hanging onto the belief that D&Y will continue to honor our agreement and keep me involved in Cash's life. They are amazing people, and I know they would never want to disappoint me or hurt me in any way. But there is always the possibility that they will change their minds, now that they don't need me for anything else. I signed my rights over 8 months ago. There was a copy of the relinquishment papers in the court order, and when I saw it I rewound in time. June 19th. Sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward, with Curt next to me and our lawyer stating the terms. Using everything I had left in me to sign my name on the line to pass my rights over to D&Y. Tears streaming down my face while I struggled to write. Longing to get out of that room and hold my baby while I still could. Feeling like my heart was going to explode with the pain I was experiencing. I pushed all of those memories out of my head for so long, and seeing those papers again today made the pain come rushing back. I haven't even blogged about those days yet, because I try everyday not to think about it. These new court papers remind me of what the relinquishment papers proved 8 months ago. He's not mine. He never has been. And admitting that hurts a lot. I filled out his birth certificate the day he was born, as if he was a child that belonged to me. I gave him a full name, and Curtis and I are his parents on that birth certificate. That gave me a sense of attachment to him. For the past 8 months he has had the name I gave him, with my last name as his. Now, he has an entirely new name. It kills me. I know D&Y are his parents, I chose them to be a year ago, and I knew what I was doing when I placed Cash into her arms. I have not, and will not ever regret the decision I made to do so. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Reading these papers made everything real once again. Signing my rights over, placing Cash with them, leaving the hospital alone, and now this. All of these events are the inevitable milestones that reaffirm the fact that he is not my son anymore. This is just one more thing I have to stay strong through and remind myself why I put myself through this. I love that little boy more than anything on this earth, no matter what the name on his birth certificate says. No he's not mine, but I still love him as if he were.