untitled.

WOW. It has been way too long since I last wrote a post! I have 16 drafts sitting here, of which none made it onto my page. None of them seemed good enough for anyone to read. I don't even know what I'm going to write here tonight either, but I felt like its about time I wrote something. 

I've spent the last 2 hours looking through old blog posts from the past 2 years (crazy to think I started this that long ago) - and thinking about how much has changed since then. 

I was a mess back then. And still now, when I read my words, I become a mess again. I have been incredibly busy since my last post, with a crazy work life and working on my bachelors degree, and unfortunately I haven't spent much time to think about how I am feeling. I still think about Cash every single day, but the sad tears I used to shed are beginning to be replaced with smiles. 

Honestly, sometimes I can't even believe I went through what I did. I'm proud of myself. I don't think I have ever said that to anyone, but I am. It doesn't even seem real that I was pregnant, let alone in highschool and gave birth when I was a teenager. It actually is so crazy. Obviously I know I did, but it seems like just a far off memory by now. So much changes in 3 years!  

When I think back to the "dark" days when I started this blog, my heart absolutely breaks apart. I felt so much pain and sorrow that first year after I placed Cash. Reading my words and having those memories come back is difficult, but I think that it is good therapy for me too.

I had the opportunity to see Cash and his family twice this year, and I am truly grateful for that. They are amazing people, and I feel blessed to be able to spend time with them. Each time it gets so much easier, and it helps me cope with the pain I still feel from his placement. But like I've said before, seeing Cash isn't hard for me- I absolutely love seeing him grow and learn- it's remembering the feelings I had when we had our first goodbye, and how empty it made me feel, and still makes me feel.

The pain sometimes eases, but I don't believe it will ever truly go away. There's a place in my heart that will always be for that little boy- no matter how old he gets, I will forever think of him as a tiny baby in my arms. I will always cherish the short moments we spent together, with me as his mother. And tonight, I will be traveling back to those days and trying to feel close to him by sleeping with his baby blanket. I haven't faced my feelings for awhile, and tonight I think its time I do.

I don't know if many still read my posts, especially since I have been slacking off this year, but I still want to thank those of you who do for taking the time to read my blog over the past 2 years, even if sometimes I don't have much to say. Writing was exactly what I needed to help me deal with the pain I was going through at an extremely difficult time in my life. I am so grateful for those of you who reached out to me and helped me feel of your love. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you all so very much.

March, 2012

July, 2012

20 years older and (hopefully) wiser too

well, today marks my 20th birthday... i feel a whole lot older than that though ! i've been thinking today about the things i have learned throughout my 20 years of life, and i want to share some of it with you. none of this is rocket science, but this blog is my only way to expressing how i feel at this point in my life. so here comes the list ;

i've learned ... that life is short and can be taken away in an instant. say "i love you"- because you never know when it might be the last time.

i've learned that one decision can change the entire course of your life. 

i've learned ... a choice that seems so insignificant at the time can give you heartache for life, and bring heartache to others as well.

i've learned ... nothing and no one should ever come between best friends. and that it doesn't matter where your best friend lives, or how often you talk to each other- you'll always be best friends.

i've learned ... you can't help who you fall in love with, sometimes you just do. don't fight it. 

i've learned that no matter how many times people say "no regrets"- we all know thats not really true. we all live with a regret hiding somewhere. 

i've learned ... age doesn't determine maturity, its the experiences you face and how you deal with those experiences that determines maturity. 

i've learned ... nothing makes me happier than spending time with family, and i look forward to the day i start one of my own. 

i've learned ... that there really is no greater love than a mother's for her child. i am eternally grateful for the opportunity i've already had to experience that for myself. 

i've learned ... sometimes its OK to cry and feel sorry for yourself, as long as you're there to pull yourself back up again when the time comes. 

& most importantly....

i've learned how crazy, scary, challenging, and exciting life is... & that it all happens the way it's supposed to.

I've done some pretty crazy, scary, challenging and exciting things in my twenty years of life. And even though I'm not proud of it all, I wouldn't change a thing. I met the most amazing people along the way, including my favorite little man and his family. How blessed am I ?! Here's to many more years of mistakes, memories, and happiness. 

august 23, 2010

I wrote this in my journal for Cash nearly 2 years ago. I am in the process of writing it all into a new journal that I might one day give to him. Well, this entry stuck out to me, and explains how I am still continually feeling, even 2 years after his birth. It amazes me how I was barely 18 years old when I wrote this entry, which seems like ages ago now- but when I read it over, I clearly remember feeling the desperation and hurt my words portray. 
I still miss that little boy every day. Each waking moment of my life is spent with thoughts of him near to my heart. The sadness I was feeling during the time I wrote this is slowly being replaced with contentment, and I know one day it will grow into joy. I love my little blue-eyed boy, and am so grateful for the gift I had of bringing him into this world. I love you Cash, and miss you every day.

August 23, 2010

I still have extremely hard days. Days when I strongly question the decision I made to place you. I don't regret my decision, I know in my heart that it was the right one. But my heart calls out to you, and my arms feel empty without you in them. You are a part of me, Cash. Not a minute of the day goes by that I don't think of you.. What you're doing, how you're doing, what it would've been like had I made a different choice. I don't worry about you- I know without a doubt that you are being well taken care of. Your mom and dad are the most important people to me, besides you of course. I trusted them to raise you, and I know they are doing a perfect job. 

Cash, I know that I am being selfish. There's a part of my heart missing and you are the only one who can fill it. I want you to fill it. I deal with the pains of guilt everyday.. Please forgive me for what I have done. Never feel like I didn't love you! Please. That is my greatest fear. I worry that you will hate me once you learn that you are adopted.. Always know I loved you more than absolutely everything in this whole world, and I had to do what was best for you. Even if it was the hardest thing for me. 

The pain and sadness I feel will never go away, but it comforts me to know that you are happy. You ARE happy right? That's all I ever wanted, Cash. I know you are getting the life I wanted for you and couldn't give. I am so grateful for your parents, for being the kind of people who will carry you to the eternities. I hope when that day comes I will meet you there, and take you in my arms once again. On the day of your placement your mom promised me she would do everything she could to get you back to our Heavenly Father, and I promised to live my life in the way so that I will be there with you too. The day that happens is the day I know everything I went through was worth it. Please make your parents proud, Cash. We all love you so much.

I don't regret my decision Cash, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. I miss you more than words can say. 

I always will. 

Forever love, 
Your Birthmother

2 years.

I'm sitting in bed at my parents house, the same bed I woke up in having contractions two years ago. This time, two very short years ago, I was on my way to the hospital with my mom. I had been in earlier that night but they sent me home, with a shot of Demerol so that I was able to relax. After getting me into the delivery room at about midnight, it all became a blur. Little did I know that at 3:59am, I was going to meet the little boy who would turn my world upside down. I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel during the next few days.. For those amazing days, he was known to the world as Cash Mackenzie Curtis Sloan. & I was his mom. 

I wouldn't take those days back for anything. I knew that I would have to make the heart-wrenching decision to place him in the arms of someone else, but that didn't keep me from loving him as any mother would. 

The past 2 years since that morning have been the craziest of my life, but I owe all that I have to that little boy. He didn't make the decision to come to this earth, but I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessing that he is to my life. What started out as being a trial has definitely impacted my life for the best, and helped shape me into the person I am today.
I couldn't be more grateful for Cash's parents, and their willingness to share his life with me. I feel blessed that over the past 2 years I have continued to play a role in Cash's life. 

Happy Birthday to my blue eyed boy. 
love and miss you always.

I loved you then, & I love you still. 

Always have, & Always will. 

dear cash: mothers day

Dear Cash,
I'm curled up in bed tonight with the same blanket and stuffed frog I gave you the day you were born.. It makes me feel close to you. It's been almost 2 years since I became your birthmom. My second Mother's Day was no easier than the first, but between these tears that roll down my cheeks are smiles because I know you are so happy.

Cash, I hope you gave your mom an extra hug for me today. She sure is an amazing woman. You are so lucky to have her as a mommy. Each time I see you two together I am overcome with joy... she loves you so much, and its easy to see ! She once told me that as she takes care of you, she thinks of me and wonders if I would be happy with the way she is raising you. And Cash, I am. I couldn't imagine a better mother than yours. She loves you and your sister more than anything, and would give the world to you if you asked for it. I know with all my heart that she will help mold you into the perfect man you one day will be.

Although I could never compare to your mom, promise me you will always remember that you have two mothers who love you equally.

Happy Mothers Day, Y. I love you ! 

the agape project

This is an amazing video posted by a friend who is an adoptive mother. It touched my heart immensely, as I'm sure it will do the same to you. As Birthmothers Day and Mothers Day approach this weekend, let us remember everyone involved in the beautiful thing we call adoption. 

Agape ; Selfless LOVE of one person for another 

what is birthmothers day?

I found this great article online, and knew I needed to share it with all of you. This has made me feel a thousand times better about the upcoming holiday, and am so grateful for a group of women who recognized the need Birthmoms have. I hope this gives you all a better look at what Mothers Day is like for a Birthmother, and what our thought process is about the whole thing. 

What is Birth Mother's Day?

"Birth Mother's Day is a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers, the women who lost/placed their children in adoption. It is held on the second Saturday in May. Birth Mother's Day was created out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year- second only to the birthday of our missing children. 

Most people are simply unaware that for the rest of their lives, many birth mothers feel sorrow, and love, for the children they have lost through adoption. This is partly because there has never been place or a way for birth mothers to tell their stories. Our pain has been made invisible by a society that tells us we can forget. Without permission to grieve by those around us, we have lived in isolation and silence with a great wound upon our hearts and souls. We have lived with the unspeakable sorrow of a mother's loss, a mother who lives separated from her child.

Despite this invisibility, and denial, birth mothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound life-changing experiences. 
The birth experience impacts a woman for the rest of her life. Connections of heart, spirit, and biology are forged. Eternal connections are made that cannot be dissolved by ink and paper. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences- grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birth mother. It is with her the rest of her life. 
Some birth mothers ultimately find peace with the adoption decision, but even more live with it as an open wound. It is a wound for which little understanding or help has come from those who advocate, facilitate and profit from adoption

Mother's Day brings a birth mother's feelings and memories rushing forward like the tide. Most of us have endured this annual event in isolation, invisibility, silence and secret grief, acknowledging our motherhood and our absent child only to ourselves. Birth Mother's Day was created to help birth mothers move through this torrent of memory and feeling. It is a way to take back our rightful name of Mother and to celebrate ourselves as birth givers- the ones who give life. It is a way to expand the celebration of Mother's Day to make it inclusive of all the mothers in our communities. It is a day to remember and to celebrate the birth of our children- an experience many of us were denied. In doing this we affirm our connection and feeling for our children. We create a space to tell our stories and become fully human again- with names, faces, voices and compassion for ourselves and our experiences.

Birth Mother's Day is held on the day before Mother's Day.  A separate day allows all of the feelings to be acknowledged, especially those that are painful and rooted in grief. Birth mothers who have had other children expressed feeling torn between the Mother's Day celebrations of the children they are raising and the memory of the child who is absent. A separate day allows for observance and expression of both circumstances.

Our motherhood comes first and makes possible the motherhood of another woman- the adoptive mother. If we had not given birth, there would be no child for the adoptive mother (and father) to parent. Observing Birth Mother's Day on the Saturday prior to Mother's day symbolically represents this reality. Adopted children have two mothers. Our shared child links us one to one another. The intention is not to detract from those who are parenting our children, but to make this annual observance inclusive of all the mothers in the lives of our children and our communities. Observing Birth Mother's Day could also create a time for families of adopted children to talk openly about birth families and the ways we are all connected to one another through our children.

Mother's Day was originally founded by Julia Ward Howe, as a day for peace, in which the mothers of the world would commit themselves to peace by not allowing their children to kill another mother's child in war. This commitment was based on the shared understanding of a mother's love and the terrible grief of losing a child. In recognizing the love and the sorrow of birth mothers, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace-making and healing. It stands in contrast to an adoption system that has been built upon the destruction of the birth family relationship, destruction with consequences for the adoptive family as well. Truth cannot be whole without all its parts. People cannot be whole without all the people who love them. 

mothers day; to celebrate, or not to celebrate

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that mothers day is a week away... It seemed to come so fast ! 

Last year mother's day was a really bitter-sweet event, as I'm sure this year will be too. I woke up and had to force myself to get out of bed and put a happy face on.. which I have evidently become very good at doing, ha ha. My own mother was perhaps the only one who acknowledged that this day would be difficult for me, and she got me a small gift that meant a lot. (A charm for my Thomas Sabo bracelet) We went to my sisters for dinner, and on my way there I received a phone call from a really special person, who is serving a mission for my church. I felt Gods hand in my life that day, because that call was exactly what I needed. I continued throughout the day with a smile on my face, celebrating my sisters, mom, and grandma.. while trying my hardest to fight through the real emotions I was feeling. 

As this mother's day approaches, I have the same anxious feeling about it and I already dread having to drag myself out of bed. (But of course, I will.) I feel so much pressure to act like everything is okay and that "mothers day" is just another day to me- but in truth, it is far from. How sad is it that a holiday can bring up so many painful memories! The world does not acknowledge "birthmothers" on "mother's day" and it hurts me to say so. I feel that as birthmothers we are forgotten on this day, when we need some extra love and support. I will be the first to admit that I am not Cash's "mom", and I don't try to be. But I hate pretending to overlook the fact that I was a mother for 9 months. That I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and was his mother for 3 days. 

My question to you is this:  As birthmoms, should we celebrate Mother's Day or not? I've been struggling with the answer to this for 2 years now, and have yet to come to a conclusion. 

So until I decide, in a week's time I will be wishing all my friends and family a Happy Mother's Day, while selfishly hoping someone will be thinking of me, too. 

panel question #1!

I am excited to be on a birthparent panel, over at Birthmothers4Adoption. Here is the first set of questions I was asked to answer :)

Are you a birthmother or birthfather?

I am a birthmother to a little boy, born June 18, 2010

How long ago did you place?

I placed just over 19 months ago.. the date was June 20, 2010

Is your adoption open or closed?

The adoption with my son is fairly open. In our agreement, his adoptive parents are required to send updates at set intervals throughout the year, which gradually decrease to Once a year until he is 12. I have been fortunate enough to have had a few visits with them since he was born, and if I am the one to reach out and email/text them they will respond. We respect each other's boundaries, and do things that are only in our sons best interests. I understand that they are a family, and I don't impose on that. I wait for my updates, and sometimes I get to see him in between :) I am completely content with the amount of openness our adoption has, I think it is a safe happy-medium between the two, and is perfect for all of us. 

How/Why did you choose adoption?

I chose adoption for a number of reasons. The biggest one was because the birthfather was not mature enough at the time to be a good dad, and I didn't want to risk my child growing up without a father. I wanted my child to grow up in a really stable, loving environment. We were teenagers, and neither one of us was prepared to give our son the life we so badly wanted for him. So we went out to find the ones that could! There are other reasons, more difficult to explain. I have very strong spiritual beliefs, and in my heart I just knew that my child was not sent here for me, rather to a family who had been praying for his arrival. It made my hard decision a lot easier to bear, knowing God was on my side.  

What can adoptive couples do to help in the hospital/at placement?

My adoptive parents were great at the hospital and at placement. They came and saw him when he was about 10 hours old, and only stayed for a little while. They respected the short time I had to be with my son, and knew that they would have the rest of their lives to share with him. Seeing them together as a family was an amazing experience though, and it really reinforced my decision. The adoptive parents were not pushy at all. They acted as if he was only my child and they were just visiting, which I appreciated. It helped me trust them, and know that no matter what, they held my best interests and feelings at heart, even if it was hard to do. I believe it is important for the parents to come visit, but not to overwhelm the birthmother. That short time is all she has with her baby and it is so hugely important to her- she will cherish those moments for the rest of her life. At placement, the adoptive parents gave me and the birthfather special gifts that had great meaning. I treasure those items more than anything, and it always reminds me of the amazing experience placement was. To adoptive couples- please. Do not get greedy. I know you want to hold that baby so much, but use all of your willpower to stop yourself from grabbing him. Be patient. These few minutes will be the hardest thing that girl will ever have to do in her entire life. She will feel when the moment is right, and pass your child into your arms. Allow her to take as much time as she needs.

How did you find/choose the adoptive couple?

I went through an adoption agency, LDS Family Services, and they gave me portfolios of potential adoptive couples to look at that fit my requirements. 

What appealed to you most of their profile/blog/information packet?

What I loved about it was just how perfect they were to me. The mother spoke of her daughter's birthmother and how much love they had for her, and I imagined myself being talked about like that too. Nothing was special about their profile, it was just "real". I immediately fell in love with them. They were not anything that I was expecting, nor what I was looking for. But I just knew they were the right family. It does not matter what your profile looks like, what your blog says, or what's in your information packet. Birthmothers fall in love with the feelings, not the words. It's the voice we hear deep inside that tells us "this is the one". Don't stress about what to put.. you will be lead down the right path to each other, no matter that. Be patient. Perfection takes time, but I promise you will find it.

god gave me you.

Someone asked me two days ago, "If you could go back, would you? Would you make it so you wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Cash?" I stopped briefly to think about this, but without much hesitation I came to my answer. No, I wouldn't want to take it back. I was in a bad place. I knew I wasn't living life the way I wanted to, but I didn't know how to get out. I had a bad attitude towards everything in general, and I just plain wasn't happy. I cared about what everyones opinion of me was, without remembering what was really important. Then this little boy came into my world, and everything turned upside-down. Being the only pregnant one in highschool didn't make it easy to blend in. All attention was on me, so I no longer could be self conscious and worry about what others were thinking. I now knew what they were thinking. I embraced my belly and became confident with myself. I became optimistic. Most importantly, I became happy. I had a direction I was headed in, and I wasn't going to let anyone bring me down. I strongly believe that God sent Cash here to give me a wake up call and help me realize what I wanted out of life. Cash was my chance to start over, and my opportunity to learn so much from. I had to take time to look at the big picture, and I am deeply grateful for the experiences I had. I know I've said it a thousand times already but I will keep saying it for the rest of my life. No, having a child at 17 is not something I would recommend doing... haha. But I could never regret having that little boy. He's given me so much, without even knowing it. Here's a song that fits perfectly with the way I felt when asked this question- 

For all the times I felt cheated
I complained, you know how I love to complain
For all the wrongs I repeated
Though I was to blame, I still cursed that rain
I didn't have a prayer, didn't have a clue
And then out of the blue

God gave me you to show me what's real
There's more to life than just how I feel
And all that I’m worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for, though I didn't know why
Now I do, cos god gave me you

For all the times I wore my self-pity
Like a favourite shirt, all wrapped up in that hurt
For every glass I saw, I saw half empty
Now it overflows like a river through my soul
From every doubt I had, I’m finally free
And I truly believe

God gave me you to show me what’s real
There’s more to life than just how I feel
And all that I’m worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for, though I didn’t know whyNow I do, cos god gave me you

God gave me you to show me what’s real
There’s more to life than just how I feel
And all that I’m worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for, though I didn’t know why
Now I do, cos god gave me you
God gave me you

-- Bryan White