Wednesday, April 13, 2011

if I were to do it over..

Stefanie sent this question to me last week from the Birth Mom Missions page on Facebook. At first, it was almost a no-brainer. Then I sat there thinking for quite some time before I could actually pick my answer. 

If someone were to come to me now and ask me now If I'd do the same thing over again? As a birth mother with different experiences.. what would you say? 

-I'd keep my baby
-I'd do it all exactly the same 
-I'd do it the same, just have demanded my rights more

I miss Cash. No doubt about that. I have found myself getting .. jealous? over some of the young moms I know. It seems like everything worked out for them. I know it hasn't been easy, but that could've been me. That's what I think every single time I see a girl I know with her baby, all of whom were born in the same year as Cash. It could've been me. And sometimes, I think it should've been me. My main reason for deciding to place Cash in the beginning was because I didn't want him to be without a father. And here I am, a year and a half later, and still with his  birthfather. It's hard for us to be together without Cash, really hard. Both of us deal with different kinds of guilt over it still. Yes we are young, but we would be more prepared than some of our peers who are having children are. At the time though, there was no way we were ready for a baby. We still aren't ready, not for a long time. But I look back on it all, and I know we could've made it work. I don't have regrets, but I definitely think "what if."   

Would  I "demand" my rights more if I did it again? No,
I'd do it all exactly the same. 

I love and respect Cash's adoptive parents more than anything in this world. I do not wish to make them uncomfortable or offend them in any way, because they are the only thing connecting me to Cash, and that line can be very fragile. I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship that we have. There are a few things I would have done "differently" prior to placement, but never in a "demanding" way. 

The emotional and mental pain I have experienced is completely worth it when I stop my crying to remember why I did it. I did it for a darling little boy, who now has a life filled with opportunity ahead of him. I did it for two amazing people, who's dream in life was to have a son. I did it because I loved my baby and wanted the best for him. 

I miss him everyday. There are constantly moments throughout my day where I think about what life would've been like with him. My imagination paints up a pretty good picture, but I know that one day I will have that experience, when I am ready and able to give a child all that Cash has. 

This face right here is the reason.

No comments:

Post a Comment