Monday, June 20, 2011

things i'll never say

I have debated this thought for a few weeks now. It pains me to say so, but this might be my last post for awhile... My heart is just not into it anymore. It feels more like an obligation than a passion like it used to. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I still need to share, but for some reason the words just won't come to me. There are about 20 half-completed posts with that taunting draft next to it. I just cannot bring myself to finish them and I don't know why. My last few posts especially should have been extremely hearfelt, and it dissapoints me that they were not. I think I have cried all my emotion out this past year and I find myself being mentally exhausted right now. I'm very numb. Thats the best word for it.
I've found myself coming to a crossroad- do I force a post, not feeling happy with the way it comes out, or do I quit writing until I am ready to mean everything I say? I want to post about the happy things going in my life too, but feel obligated to only write the sad things and I just don't want to do that anymore. I've debated deleting my blog all together. Some would say it hurts to think about the hurt. I agree with that, but I also disagree. When I first started blogging  in October, it was the best decision I could have made at that time. The emotions were so raw, memories so fresh in my mind, and writing helped me process my thoughts and make sense of it all. My blog has served its purpose.. To help others gather information, and to help me grieve my loss. My posts will still be here to read, I just have to go MIA for a little while to prepare for the posts that are still waiting for me to finish.
It has been a year since I placed Cash, and I feel I used that time to heal to the best of my ability. It still hurts incredibly, and I know it always will. Recent events in my life have caused me to realize that I will be OK. I don't want to say that I am moving on, but I feel that maybe it is okay to start to. I need this time now to take a break from thinking about the hurt and focus on making myself even stronger. I'm happy, and for the first time in a long time, I can say that honestly. My life has been absolutely busy and fun lately, and will continue that way for awhile. I'm welcoming that excitement with open arms.

"Love is sacrifice. However, when you love, sacrifice is easy. And when you really love, Sacrifice is joy."

1 comment:

  1. This post made me smile. I am so proud of you and you have come such a long way!
    I love you and I'm excited for your future :)