temple date.

I read through the last blog I posted and felt somewhat embarrassed. Until this point, I think I have done a good job at appearing strong throughout my trials. And that last post, well... not so strong. I guess I was just having a bad moment. This little thing called jealousy keeps rearing its ugly head inside me, and as much as I try not to, I let it get the best of me sometimes. Its a goal of mine to work on.

Well, today I got news from G (my social worker) that Cash and his parents are FINALLY going through the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. 

They initially chose Oct 15th, but I will be in EUROPE then ! So I was really upset that I wouldn't be able to be there on this special day. I told G about my situation, and she set out to see what she could do. D&Y are amazing people, and they changed the date to October 22nd so I will be able to attend. 

I am so excited for this day to come. I know it will not come without its share of hardness on me, but I am so happy for D&Y's little family. This sealing is one of the main reasons I decided to place Cash for adoption in the first place. Its a complicated thing to explain, and when I have more time I will try to do that for you all.

The First Time Cash was at the Temple... here in my belly at 17 weeks <3

"The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."

- The Family: A Proclamation To The World

i'm selfish and i know it.

I've been having a little bit of a difficult time lately. Just the past few days have been really emotionally stressful on me. Life in Edmonton hasn't been going exactly as planned, and I've found myself becoming caught up in the things that are making me unhappy. 

It seems like everyone my age is getting pregnant/already having kids. This is really hitting me hard, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. One of these situations in particular is causing so many negative emotions to emerge from me that I thought I had tucked away long ago, and here they are coming out again. I feel so much resentment, anger, jealousy, regret- all selfish things, and I wish I didn't !  

Placement was 15 months ago. I thought that through this blog I was able to come to terms with it and heal to the best I could, affirming to myself and to others that adoption was the best decision for me. 

Well, now I'm starting to wonder.

Adoption was definitely the best thing for Cash. There is no way I could give him the life he has now. I know that. I know he's happy, and that makes me happier. He has a good life. But was adoption the best thing for me? 

I would've been a great mom. This is bad to say- but I would've been a better mom than most of these girls who are having babies out of wedlock. I feel like I just.... gave up on it all before it even started. I know I'm being selfish, because I made this plan so Cash could have a good life. 

But for once, I just want to be selfish. I don't have many posts that tell the ugly side of adoption, so here's the truth: I'm sad every day. Every single day, I think about that little boy and what could've been. I hate it. I'm so tired of feeling this hole in my heart where he should be.

I want this back.

a rambling thought

I've been reading some blogs from birthparents and adoptive parents and I find myself being somewhat angry with AP's right now. Not angry at D&Y by any means, just in general. (Cash's parents are great with our openness- definitely not saying otherwise here) 


There is a certain BM blog that I follow and we regularly comment on each other's posts.. I don't know this woman at all, but I feel a tender spot in my heart for her. She is part of an open adoption, but it seems to me that she does not have a very good relationship with her daughter's AP's, and that saddens me. She, like most BMs, does not want to step on any toes and make the AP's uncomfortable... but in turn that makes it feel like she is not "allowed" to see her birth daughter. This is causing her to feel a bit of regret that she placed in the first place, because she hasn't yet found that closure that is so easy to achieve when you have open contact.


This is what I think- and correct me if I am possibly just being dramatic- We, as Birth parents, have made it possible for APs to have a family. And in return, some AP's just cut off all ties to BPs because of fear. Fear of what, I don't really know. Now tell me, how can that possibly be fair? True, when a BM places she relinquishes all rights and privileges without any sort of legalities binding the openness agreement, but it was a gift of pure love- and they are left with nothing but a broken heart in return. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I am very passionate over BM rights. To me, refusing contact is what's selfish in this situation. For a BM to think she is not "allowed" to see her child is so sad to me. 


Of course, there is always the other side where a BM does not want contact, but thats an entirely different topic I will touch on later. Also, some AP's cut off contact with their BMs because they feel it is in their child's best interest, and I will not argue with that. I'm talking about AP's who agreed to an open adoption but are not willing to uphold that agreement because of selfish concerns, despite the child's best interest.


All I'm saying is that no BM should ever feel like they are not allowed to know how their child is doing. Adoptions have come a long way in the past few years, and obviously it's for a reason. There is no way I would have placed Cash if I wouldn't be able to see how he is doing. I think it is also super important for an adoptee to know where they came from, and who better else to heart that from but their birth-family? A main point of having an OPEN adoption is so that birthparents can see how their child is doing and continue to have the reassurance they need to know they made the best decision possible. Adoptive parents at least owe that to their children's birth parents, don't you think? 


It's late, and maybe I'm just rambling on, but this is really bothering me. I hope nothing I said was offensive. Comments please! 

update coming soon

I've been impatient with my updates yet again... its almost 2 months late, again. Slightly frustrating for me because I SO look forward to them. Well G got in touch with D&Y and they have just been waiting a little bit to get more pictures and send some gifts along for the one year update. Again, I'm kicking myself for getting a little upset because of course I know they would never let me down.  They go above and beyond what I ever could have expected in my update packages, and I am so eternally grateful for that. Looking on the bright side- my next one is now due in 2 months instead of 4, so now I don't have to wait quite as long for that one. They are also taking him to the Temple next month to be Sealed to them- I will explain all that later :) So that means a visit is coming up too! Very excited. 

I feel so lucky to have a great relationship with Cash's APs, and that they are willing to share his life with me. They take so much of the hurt off my heart by keeping me involved in his life. I couldn't imagine having it any other way, and I am so very blessed by our whole situation. I got a new charm for my bracelet for Cash's 1st birthday and it totally speaks what I feel towards Cash & his parents:

 " I am grateful that in God's design, he planned it so your path crossed mine." 

i'm back.

Well, I'm back in the blogging world. For how long, I don't know. I haven't decided what my mind and heart will allow me to do. But I do know that this post needs to be shared, because it has been weighing on my mind and I need to let it out...

My sister had her baby yesterday. A beautiful, 8 pound 12  ounce, 21 and a half inches long baby boy. Everyone is so happy for them! My dad is over the moon- and I don't blame him!

But Ah. That's where the hurt started. 

I thought I was okay. And I WAS ! 

My arms wanted to hold him so badly. I told my mom I got first dibs on the new baby. And I did- but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It only made me miss holding my own baby. Being in the same hospital, seeing those white blankets. Reminiscing and comparing my own labor experience to my sisters. Remembering what it felt like to sit in that bed and hold something so perfect.

I envy her. She gets to take him home. She has a husband and family who supports her. She gets phone calls from family saying how excited and happy they are for her.  She gets to cuddle with her baby whenever she wants, and make sure he knows how much she loves him. 

I walked out of that same hospital alone just over a year ago, carrying nothing but material memories of him, and the heaviness of my heart. No one was excited or happy for me, only hurt. I don't get to cuddle him whenever I want, or make sure he knows I love him. I have no control over that.

I made the decision to let all of that go, and I am owning that decision. I don't regret it.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

I LOVE my new little nephew. I will never hold a grudge against him or anything like that. Its just hard for me to be in a hospital room and see a new baby. I know I'll get over it eventually. One day I'll have the opportunity to take my own precious one home. And what a great day that will be. 

Saying Hello to Cash, June 18th 2010

Saying Hello to Cooper, July 6th 2011

PS. I got to see Cash quick on Canada Day. I was in the parade in the town where I work and they were watching because Y is from there. I knew they would be there, but I didn't think I would see them. Y called my name out and I went over to say hi. She told me how beautiful I looked. Cash looked big and definitely not like a baby anymore. I chatted for all of 10 seconds and had to go because my float was way down the road. I wish I had asked to see them after but I didn't. I don't like stepping on any toes. It was just nice to say hello. I love that family so much.

things i'll never say

I have debated this thought for a few weeks now. It pains me to say so, but this might be my last post for awhile... My heart is just not into it anymore. It feels more like an obligation than a passion like it used to. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I still need to share, but for some reason the words just won't come to me. There are about 20 half-completed posts with that taunting draft next to it. I just cannot bring myself to finish them and I don't know why. My last few posts especially should have been extremely hearfelt, and it dissapoints me that they were not. I think I have cried all my emotion out this past year and I find myself being mentally exhausted right now. I'm very numb. Thats the best word for it.

I've found myself coming to a crossroad- do I force a post, not feeling happy with the way it comes out, or do I quit writing until I am ready to mean everything I say? I want to post about the happy things going in my life too, but feel obligated to only write the sad things and I just don't want to do that anymore. I've debated deleting my blog all together. Some would say it hurts to think about the hurt. I agree with that, but I also disagree. When I first started blogging  in October, it was the best decision I could have made at that time. The emotions were so raw, memories so fresh in my mind, and writing helped me process my thoughts and make sense of it all. My blog has served its purpose.. To help others gather information, and to help me grieve my loss. My posts will still be here to read, I just have to go MIA for a little while to prepare for the posts that are still waiting for me to finish.

It has been a year since I placed Cash, and I feel I used that time to heal to the best of my ability. It still hurts incredibly, and I know it always will. Recent events in my life have caused me to realize that I will be OK. I don't want to say that I am moving on, but I feel that maybe it is okay to start to. I need this time now to take a break from thinking about the hurt and focus on making myself even stronger. I'm happy, and for the first time in a long time, I can say that honestly. My life has been absolutely busy and fun lately, and will continue that way for awhile. I'm welcoming that excitement with open arms.

"Love is sacrifice. However, when you love, sacrifice is easy. And when you really love, Sacrifice is joy."

happy birthday, baby boy.

Cash's first birthday has come and gone. 

I treated it as another day- I worked and then went out with my parents and brother and sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate. I tried not to think about it. As soon as everyone left, I couldn't help but think about it.

My heart is absolutely breaking right now to think about it.

This time last year, I was looking at the most perfect child I had ever seen. You lay there, sleeping peacefully in my arms... I thought to myself, "How am I ever going to let you go? I love you too much to." 

I prayed for the strength to remember my reasons. My questions quickly changed to "How could I ever give you less than the best? I love you too much not to." 

Cash, the day you were born, exactly one year ago, I looked into your big beautiful eyes and I promised I would never stop loving you. Bittersweet tears rolled down my cheeks and onto yours, and I prayed that one day you would understand.

Tonight, I'm praying that one day MY heart will understand.

I feel an an emptiness that nothing, and no one but my little boy could ever fill. 

something perfect.

G just sent me this poem. What could be more perfect for me to read today than this. G read it at our Birthmothers Day Dinner, and just received permission to send it out. Note who the author is... BF's Aunt. Kinda cool huh? Anyways, I really. really. really. needed to read this tonight. I feel comforted now, and hopefully I can get some sleep in before I work in 6 hours. I pray with all my heart that one day Cash will think this about me. 

TO MY MOTHER

You really are my mother.

The time I spent swaddled in the warmth of your womb….

Will always be ours. 

A mother with her child.

You cared for me and nurtured me in such a wondrous way.

It is you that truly gave me life.

I know it was hard for you to let me go

I know because I was there, I heard it all - felt it all

That moment – the moment when….

You made your most difficult decision ever.

Then the time came and the whole world stood still.

We said good-bye.

I know it took all you had….

To do what you knew was the best for me.

God knows your trial and your strength,

He knows of your great sacrifice, as he too gave a child.

I have never forgotten you….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile.

I know of your great love for me.

On each anniversary of my birth,

I think of you and offer a silent prayer….

A prayer of thanks for you

My great and courageous mother.

The mother who gave me life.

I know that one day we will meet

And you will take me in your arms.

And I will know you by….

Your smell, Your touch, Your tears, Your smile,

Your love.

- Cathy Matkin