Sunday, December 19, 2010

6 months.

I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. At times, it doesn't even seem like it actually happened. That 6 months ago I was holding a tiny baby boy, getting ready to say goodbye. People say that things get easier in time, but I disagree. Life goes on and things get busy, but Cash is always in my heart & mind. When I think back to that day, 6 months ago, the pain is as real now as it was then. When I stop to think back to placing him in the arms of his mom, my heart breaks and no matter how hard I try not to cry, I do. Little things remind me of it- the clothes I was wearing, the blanket he was wrapped in, the soother I took from him… movies like “Charlie St. Cloud” ("Everyone has to let go sometime") and “The Last Song” ("Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more."

I love that little boy more than words can explain. I think about him all day, everyday. Not a single hour passes by that I don't think of him. Of course, I still cry sometimes when I think about Cash.. But the sad tears are slowly being replaced with happy ones. At first, I was crying because I missed him. I wanted to hold him in my arms again. I wanted to hear his little cooing noises while he slept. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him so he would never forget. I still want those things.. But now I cry because I know he is being taken care of. I know he is loved. I want to tell him I love him- but he already knows.

Curt and I are going to see him tomorrow for the first time in 6 months. I can hardly wait to see how comfortable he is in his home, with his family. I can't wait to hold him and tell him I love him. I can't wait to see how he has grown.. he's no longer the little baby I knew. I won't lie, I am pretty nervous. I don't know what to expect. Saying goodbye once was hard enough, saying goodbye again might be just as tough. Or, it might be easier because I know this isn't goodbye. Its just a simple see-you-later.

1 comment: