Thursday, December 9, 2010

if i could go back?

It is late, but I was having a hard time sleeping because there was so much on my mind. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life, and I just can't seem to come to a conclusion about anything. I say I have no regrets, and perhaps that is true because I have learnt from it all.. 
But would I go back if I could? Of course I would. 

I would go back to when it all started falling apart, and do things differently.
I would go back and be the friend that she deserved. 
I wouldn't go behind the backs of the people who loved me.
I would be the loyal, trustworthy person I try to be now, back then. 
I would tell her how sorry I was before it was too late. 

While reading some other girls blogs, I have realized today how much my life changed my last year of high school, and how much I wish I could go back. I never imagined a year ago that I would be sitting here, feeling this way. A year ago, I felt like everything was going to be okay and nothing would change.. but obviously it did. 
I'm not saying I regret Cash- I regret the situation. I regret losing my friends because of something I did. I regret not telling the truth when it needed to be told, and I regret the outcome that it made. My true friends stayed by my side, but many walked away. It was understandable- but still a hard thing to swallow. I specifically lost two girls who were very important to me because of this.. I miss them dearly, and think about them everyday. I often wonder "what if". What if things turned out differently and we were still friends? That would be ideal. But I realize that I cannot change the past, I can only change my future. I make a conscious effort daily to be the friend I wish I was to this girl last year. It hurts a lot to wake up every day not having the friends I had growing up. But since then, I have found myself and made myself a better friend for the new people I have met since then. I have amazing friends who know my story, and accept it. I am so grateful for them in my life, and the opportunity I have to go to school with them everyday. I am grateful for my best friend from high school who stuck by me, even when it caused her own friendships to fail. I am grateful that I will always call this girl my best friend, because I know we have a friendship that will last forever. 
This post started off being negative, but I guess it is ending on a positive note. Yes, my senior year of high school turned out 1000 times differently than I had ever wanted it to. And yes, I lost many friends. But in the end, I gained so much more. 

In life, we often have to give up something good for something better. 

I feel as though I made myself a better person throughout this last year, and I am actually really grateful for that trial in my life because it shaped who I am today. So yes, I had to give up/lose many good things in my life to get to this point, but I firmly believe it was worth it. 

God will not give us any trial we cannot handle, so why should we be upset when one is placed upon us? With his help, we can get through anything. So when you're feeling sad or alone, and wish that you could go back and change things, remember that these hard times are just God's way of showing you how strong He knows you can be. Take the trials and use them as opportunities to grow and develop. You might lose something good, but I promise something better will come your way if you allow it to. 

1 comment:

  1. i think its good that you realize you regret the situation, and not necessarily regret cash. its true you lost a lot of good friends because of a number of factors, and i know it hurts them too..