Thursday, October 28, 2010

weighing the options

  Obviously I am going to think adoption is the best thing in the world because mine has been so positive, but I also realize it is not for everyone and is a hugely personal decision that cannot be made overnight like mine was. I try to see both sides- single parenting, and adoption- but I just cannot help but think there is a very uneven balance between the two.
Abortion was not at all an option for me.
I do not judge those who choose to single parent - However in the end, I firmly side with adoption as being the best for both the child, and the parents. When I was pregnant, my social worker had me fill out a chart of pros and cons for each. Although it may have been somewhat biased since I had already made my decision, and because Curt and I weren't together, here is what I came up with almost one year ago :

SINGLE PARENTING PROS: I have my baby. My baby will know I love him. I will feel loved by him everyday. I won't be sad. My family won't be sad. I love my baby and won't ever have to say goodbye.
SINGLE PARENTING CONS: My baby won't have a father. My baby will always wonder what could have been. My baby will feel betrayed by his father. I will have difficulty dating. I will feel alone. I will struggle for money. I wont be able to go to post-secondary. I won't be able to afford the things a child needs. (Do you KNOW how much a kid costs from birth till 18?! Its scary!!!) He will be shipped back and forth between families. It wont be a stable life for my baby. I am not ready to be a single mom. Curt is not ready to be a dad. 
MARRIAGE PROS: Baby has a mom and a dad. We can support each other. I can stay home with baby. Baby will be happy his parents are together. Eventually we can be sealed in the temple. People wont judge me for having a baby and not being married. We can be a family. 
MARRIAGE CONS: What if we arent happy? We will fight all the time. Not a happy environment for baby. He isn't the one I want to marry. (At the time) Baby might feel he was the only reason we were married. We will struggle for money. See above. We are not ready to be parents. I don't want to get married at 17. I haven't finished growing up, let alone raising a child and a man (haha)
ADOPTION PROS: Baby has both a mother and father. Baby is never fought over between parents. Baby will be sealed to family forever. He will have everything he could ever wish for. He will know I loved him enough to let him go. He will be happy. He will never feel unwanted. He will never want for anything. I can go to school and make something of my life. 
ADOPTION CONS: I will be sad, hurt, and will miss my baby so much. He might wonder if we loved him. 

Obviously Marriage was the ideal Pro choice here. But given mine and Curts situation at the time, it was definitely not an option. Based ONLY on this chart, Single-parenting looks like a selfish choice. And that isnt the life for a child. Which then leads me to adoption. Again, based only on the chart I made, I realized a year ago that the pro's for adoption were based solely on my child, and the cons on myself. At first I thought Adoption was a very selfish act, and I know there are those who thought that of me too. But if you look at this list, you see that it is quite the opposite. No one is ready to be a parent, regardless of the age, and especially not a teenager. If you can make marriage or single-parenting work for you, then congrats. But it is difficult! I have seen so many of my friends struggle, and it is just not a good life for a child. Dont take this is the wrong way and say I am judging those who do- I am simply stating that it is a huge decision that all aspects should be thought of before it is made. And for all those saying adoption is the easy way out- I say think again. Placing my son for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it makes me cry just thinking about it. That being said, it was also the most amazing thing I have ever done and dont regret it for a second. 

I hope every unwed mother has taken into consideration all of the above points, and really thought about it. Do whatever you think is acquirable and beneficical to all involved, and sincerely pray about your decision before it is made. It will forever change your life, and is so much more than just a problem you can solve overnight. I have seen so many young mothers think they can handle a baby and raise one properly, but more often than not, it doesn't work out. I know many girls who had babies around the time I had Cash, and here they are, out partying all the time. It makes me so sad to see.. I don't know how they do it- I don't even have Cash, but I still feel like a mother. I grew up so much, and I don't see how these teen moms still carry on like they did before their babies. It is so sad, because it is the child who suffers. Babies aren't an "accessory"- they're a life you have to take care of. And there quite a few who are still with the child's father- good for them, I say. But they fight all the time over absolutely everything, and it isn't a happy environment for anyone, let alone a baby. Things started off like a fairy-tale in the beginning- an adorable new baby, and life seems great. And then reality hits, and these girls are thrown into the real world. Its an eye opener thats for sure! I hate to be negative, but it is a topic I am extremely passionate for because I have seen first hand everything I am talking about. These friends of mine tell me how much they respect me for the choice I made, and that they wish they had made "adoption an option" at that time. Of course they love their kids- but they realize now that its not as easy as you think its going to be. It would have been so easy to take Cash home and start a family with Curt. We were in love, and we loved our baby! But we were thinking straight and knew we just couldn't make it work. But trust me- it's the hardest thing in the world to go home from a hospital without a baby in the back seat after you've given birth... but at the end of each day, you realize it was the best thing for the baby.
I apologize that this post is kindof confusing and all over the place haha but it is late and I needed to get the above thoughts out of my head. I hope no one takes offence to anything I said- but clearly this is a blog about adoption, so that is what I am going to push. It was by far the best decision for me- no doubt about it. However,  I know adoption is not for everyone. But I wish more would seriously think about it before ruleing it out. Thats all I'm saying. I will edit this tomorrow so it makes more sense. Goodnight!

1 comment:

  1. Dallace..
    You have said a few times in your blog that nobody reads this. You will perhaps laugh or smile at how I stumbled on this today. I was the photographer who did a photoshoot with you and your friends in Grade 11. I have an aquaintence in Utah, well, a friend now, in the same business, and we were talking today. You were a guest blogger on the blog of a client of hers. My friend asked how far I was from Lethbridge, and then said a girl from Lethbridge had posted on her clients adoption blog. Small world! I want you to know that you are amazing. I am not adopted nor have adopted, but last year found out one of my son's friend (who I knew was adopted) was the son of a birth mother I had known all of high school. I was privileged to tell the both of them, that the other were wonderful people surrounded by family who loved them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts you are mature beyond your years, and adoption really does bless the lives of those couples waiting for children