Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mary Anne Bremner, 1914-2010

So I know I said I was going to post about choosing my son's family, but I had an sudden change of plans today so that post is going to wait. My great-grandmother died this afternoon. She lived a long, healthy 96 years. She lay down after her lunch and went to sleep while my great-uncle held her hand. Painless and peaceful. Although her death didn't come as a shock to me because of her age, it actually hit me in a really big way and I spent a lot of time thinking about her, life, and death tonight.
I asked myself, what do we leave behind when we die? 
I hope that I will be remembered for the good things I did in life, not the bad. I want to feel at peace with my life and go quietly in my sleep like my grandmother did today. I hope that I will leave the world a better place because of the things I did in it. I don't want my family to be sad-  I will have lived a full and prosperous life and am moving on to bigger and better things. That's not something to be sad over! My grandmother was not a member of the church, so I don't actually know what she believed in. I don't know if she even believed in God. I wonder what was going through her mind the minutes before she passed. Was she scared? I really hope not. I'm not scared of death, because I believe in the teachings
 of my church. I know we will be with our families again after we die, and that gives me great comfort. 
I am not necessarily sad over the death of my great grandma- yes it is sad to think she is no longer with us, but I know she is happy and in a better place now. She is with her husband, her children (my grandma & great-aunt) and everyone else she loved who had passed before her. They were probably waiting for her to say "welcome home" and together they would smile about the life she lived on Earth.
I believe death should be a celebration of life- it should be filled with joy for our loved one and not of sadness. Yes, there is a time and place for grieving, but I don't think they would want us to be sad and upset about their passing. 
I hope one day Cash feels the same way for me. I am definitely still grieving over the experience, yet find beauty and joy in it as well. (like a death). I picture him one day coming to me, wrapping his arms around me and saying "mom, dont be sad anymore. you gave me a great life and I am happy."
I know this post wasn't about meant to be about adoption, but this ties into death. I have lost a grandfather, and two grandmothers now. In a way, I have also lost a child. For those of you reading this who haven't placed a baby for adoption, but have felt what the death of a loved one feels like, thats the closest way to explaining the feelings. And even words cant describe either of those hurts. But I know that I will be with Cash again, not in this life but certainly in the next. He will always be a part of my family, and just like my grandmother, death isn't the end for us. Its a big concept to wrap your head around, but it gives me hope for the future.

I am dedicating this post with love in memory of my great-grandma and praying that she is in a better place and feels at peace with the life she lived. 

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