Monday, October 11, 2010

life changing moment

I sat in a doctors office on the 23rd day of October, 2009 waiting for the simple answer that had the potential to change my life forever. I had always dreamt of having kids.. But never in a million years would have imagined that day coming so soon. I was due to have a baby on June 17th, eighteen days after my high school graduation. I couldn't believe it.. I wouldn't believe it. There was no way this could be happening to me... I was the baby of 4 with parents who raised me perfectly. I  was a member of the LDS church and my standards expected way more of me. I was a dancer, a model, a teenager... I was a daughter. And here I was, going to be a mother at age 17.
It was a shock, that's for sure.. It was the first time I had unprotected sex and I felt that was so unfair lol.. Plus I had taken Plan B within the recommended time so I never imagined I would be sitting at that table again. I immediately broke into tears and my first feeling was dissapointment. How could I have allowed myself to be in this position? I thought next of my parents. They were going to be so dissapointed in me too. When the nurse told me my due date, June 17th, I thought of my highschool graduation and my dance shows and all the fun things I would be missing out on. I thought of the father, Curtis. And then I thought of the baby inside of me. I knew I had to do everything in my power to step up to the challenges that lay ahead of me and give this child the best life I could. Almost instantly my instincts kicked in and I stopped thinking about myself, and thought only of my unborn child. The nurse told me what my options were as a single teenage mother but I only heard one word.. And as I sat in the exam room I had already made up my mind about what I was to do.. And that was Adoption. 
I cant tell you why, But from that very instant I knew that I was going to place my baby for adoption, 9 months later. I just KNEW that's what I was going to do.. My answer was clear as day, right there in front of me. I already loved this baby, but in my heart I didn't feel it was meant to be with me. I wanted it to have the best life, and I couldn't provide that. The biggest thing was that I didn't want my child growing up without a father. (which at that time, Curtis wasn't involved at all anymore- that's a whole different story for another post) Thats the reason I was able to get through my tough times with a positive attitude and a smile on my face. God had a plan for my baby and I was the one He chose to carry out that plan. So, after the shock of being pregnant hit me, I accepted it and started my difficult journey. The first step would be telling my

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