Monday, October 18, 2010

eventful week.

There will be many posts over the next few days as this week marks the anniversary for a lot of important events in my life. The most important events so far actually..  (and i got a new macbook so blogs are easier to post haha :) ) I gave birth to my son 4 months ago today. Its crazy to think that it was that long ago, let alone that it even happened. It all seems like it was just a dream. And then I see the pictures and feel the longing in my heart and I realize it was just 4 short months ago. Usually these days are very difficult for me, but today I am feeling very blessed. Cash changed so many lives, for the better. His father and I would not be the people we are today if it wasn't for him. He caused me to open my eyes and view the world around me in a  completely different light. I love that little boy with all of my heart, and even though he is not with me, I cannot imagine life without him. I owe all of my growth this past year to him. Having a baby at 17 was certainly not planned, nor was it a happy surprise. But this quote basically sums it all up:

"Every life has a purpose and every person is in this world for a reason. Never think of your life or anyone else's life as a mistake, for God doesnt make mistakes, but he certainly forgives ours. " 
I have never thought of Cash as a mistake. He is my gift from God, and I truly believe that. No, he did not come to Earth in the most favorable of circumstances, but he came at the time when I really needed a wake-up call and he was the answer to my prayers. 4 months ago, my life changed even more drastically than it did when I learnt I was pregnant. 4 months ago, I feel in love with a tiny baby boy who showed me what the true meaning of love was. And still, 4 months later, I feel that same love each time I think of him. I don't believe it will ever go away. People say that Cash is not my son and that I need to "move on", but they are wrong. I chose to carry that baby for 9 months and then give birth to him. He is 100% my child, and I will always be his birthmother. (I do not claim to be his "mom" however. The woman raising him and giving him both of our love is his mom.) The love I feel for Cash will be the same yesterday and 20 years from now. No amount of time can erase that from my heart.  Usually I am an emotional wreck on days like today where I am constantly thinking of him, but today I feel at peace with everything. I was able to bring a healthy child into this world to bless the lives of amazing people who have always dreamt of having a son. I was able to give that boy the gift of having two parents who could give him everything he needed and wanted, where I could not. Right now, I do not have anything to be upset over! Yes, I still feel incredible pain over it, but it is not necessarily sad. A big piece of my heart went with that little boy, but knowing he is being well taken care of eases that pain just a little bit. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, and I see that he is. 
Cash was my little angel with no halo, and today I am grateful for the gift he was in my life. 

Other events coming up: 
Wednesday, October 20th marks 4 months to the day I placed Cash with his adoptive parents. It was Father's Day, and was beautiful in spite of its sadness and heartbreak. That day each month is also extremely hard for me, but its another one I hold close to my heart. 
Saturday marks ONE YEAR since I found out I was pregnant. 


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