Oprah

Everyone who is involved with adoption needs to watch this episode of Oprah that was on today. It was amazing, and touched me because I could relate so well to them all. I won't give away the big secret but trust me-  its something you wont want to miss!

calling all b'moms; part 2

SO, I just had a thought about the last post I did, asking for some advice from fellow birthmoms to help my friend Nicole. As I was talking about the situation with a close friend of mine today, I realized how upset this actually makes me.

Adoption is a sacred thing. Those children are placed because of an unconditional love their birthparents feel for them. It goes so much farther than just the child's current temporal needs. Speaking on behalf of Curtis and I, when we made the decision to place Cash it was so much more than us not being able to take care of him "right now". We realized without a doubt that our child's entire future for ETERNITY would be affected by our decision. It was a very spiritual decision I had to make, and I did not take it lightly whatsoever. A lot of sincere prayer went into choosing a family for Cash, and to this day I still feel "tingly" when I think about the incredible experience it was for me. I am sure Nicole and Justin went through this same thought process. Adoption is a very tender, touching subject for me to be open with. It is becoming easier through this blog, but He and his family will always be very sacred to me. I would be furious if one day Curtis and I broke up and he brings some random girl (that he was not engaged/married to) to see MY son. When I gave birth to Cash, we decided not to have any visitors other than our families. I wanted as much time with him as possible. I think I hurt some people's feelings when I asked them not to come, but they respected me and I am grateful for that. In the end, I had my two best friends, Nikki (who was in the delivery room) and Karlee come because they were so close to me, and also my cousin/best friend Hayley and my close friend Anise from dance. I chose who I wanted to share him with very carefully, and I really wanted these girls to see him while they could and love him with me. I drew the line at those friends, because I felt that he was too special to be shared with just anyone. Again, I'm sure that Nicole and Justin didn't invite the whole world into their special moment with Levi. I would love to have my friends see Cash because he is so darn cute! But I am kind of selfish in the fact that I want my private time with Cash because I don't get it very often. I would hate to share that time with my ex-boyfriend/baby's daddy's current girlfriend. Especially if that girlfriend was trying to take my place in my son's life. Not OK at all.
These are just some of the reasons I am so upset over the fact that Justin wants his new girlfriend Emma present in his birthson's life. Maybe I am over reacting, but this is something that really struck me in the wrong way. What do you all think? Thanks for the quick responses to my last post!

calling all birthmoms like "Nicole" !

Attention all birthmothers ! I need help from some of you who have been through a similar situation to the girl I am about to tell you about. (Names have been changed for Privacy)

Nicole and her boyfriend Justin gave up their son Levi in 2009, and broke up shortly after. They decided at that time that they would always go together to see Levi, and not bring their new partners. It would complicate things too much for Levi if he always had to meet new people his birthparents were dating. Well, Justin has decided that he is going to bring his new girlfriend Emma (keep in mind all involved are still teenagers), and doesn't see a problem with it. Justin no longer speaks to Nicole at these visits, and doesn't even want her coming to them anymore- which I think is ridiculous, because she is Levi's mother. Anyways, Nicole is very upset about this and is super frustrated because there is not much she can do. She feels really betrayed and powerless. Emma has been stepping in and is always nagging Justin to go see Levi. This whole situation is very difficult on Nicole and her family. I am close to her sister, and she has came to me with concerns for Nicole.

If any of you birthmothers are in a similar situation, or know someone who has dealt with this, please send me an email or comment with your own story or advice I can give to Nicole. So far I have not had to deal with anything like this, so I am not in any position to give her advice.
You all are great, Thank-you!!

because of a little boy

It is amazing to me how many people are affected by one life. I was thinking about this tonight while talking to Karlee. She texted me saying she misses her "nephew" (Cash) and wishes she could hold him.. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew it would affect my family. I knew it would affect some of my friends. But I didn't realize the effect it would have on so many of the other people around me. Making a decision would not only have an influence on my life, my baby's life, and my parents life, but everyone else's life as well. Had I kept Cash, my friendships would have changed dramatically. Placing him also made my friendships change though, too. One of my best friends took the loss of Cash very hard. She was a huge part of my pregnancy, and felt as though now that he was gone, so was our close friendship. It was difficult for me to watch her pain, but I was going through it too so we grieved together. Nikki, Karlee, Hayley and Anise were the only friends I had come see Cash in the hospital, and none of them have seen him since other than in pictures. Despite this, I know that he has made a big impact on some of my friends lives, and it touches my heart. That little boy didn't have a choice to be brought to earth- but he has already made it a better place without even knowing it. I can't imagine what my life would be like without having this amazing experience; I honestly am so grateful for having had it in my life. At times it doesn't feel real- did I really go through all of this last year? And then I stop and realize how different things were before I got pregnant, and how happy I am with the way things are now. Who knew how much a little baby boy could change the world? He certainly changed mine. 

"Because you live and breathe, Because you made me believe in myself when no one else could help. Because you live, my world has twice as many stars in the sky... Because of you, I made it through every storm" - Jesse McCartney "Because You Live"

new look

New look for a New year! Thanks to the Graphics Fairy, I got a new background for this year. I have found that it is really difficult to post about adoption every day, so this year I will be changing it up a teeny tiny bit while still keeping my main focus on adoption and of course, Cash. But lately I have come to the realization that dwelling on something doesn't make room for advancement. I try to make my blog as real as possible, but when I get close to those tender feelings I have, sometimes it puts my mood on a depressing note. I am concerned that trying to post every day about something related won't allow me to move forward with my life and think only of the positive things. Once in awhile the sad things are good to talk about of course, and I won't quit posting if something sad comes up! I'd like to continue blogging as much as possible, so once in awhile there will be posts non-related to adoption. I think thats okay though! It will show girls who are maybe going through a tough spot that no matter how difficult at the time something may be, life will always go on. I have some fun blog entries coming up in the next little while so keep your eyes open! 

7 months

"The day I was born, 
They said you cried
When you signed those papers
And kissed me Goodbye 


Too young to know 

How to raise me up 

So you let me go and start this world in a house of love 

I was 12 years old when daddy sat me down 

And told me of a brave young girl 

That I should know about 

Sometimes I wonder 

What it would happen like 

If we had wandered 

The same path in life 

I think I would make you proud 

Of the boy you never knew 

God I hope 

That your trail in life 

Has been good to you 

And some day I know 

This old trail in life 

Will wind back to you"

- Trail in Life, Dean Brody

My friend Ashley heard this song and posted it on my facebook today. She said it reminded her of Cash and I, and I couldn't agree more. The whole song isn't about adoption and thats why I didn't put the video up, but I love these lyrics. I picture Cash thinking them one day, knowing he made me proud with the life he lived. I hope he will be proud of me in return. I live each day better than the last because of that little boy, and he has changed my life more than he will ever know. Of course I wonder too, what it would be like "if we had wandered the same path in life". There is no harm in wondering, so long as we don't have regrets. And I have no regrets. I know that one day "this old trail in life will wind back" to Cash. When that day comes, I hope we will both be proud of the lives we lived so we can share them with each other for eternity. I hope you've had a Happy 7 months of life, Cash. 
I love you with all my heart. 

Ashley and Michael

This guest blogger is the other girl from my birthparent class. I'm sure you have all read Hailey's amazing story, and this one from Ashley is just as touching. She had a unique experience, one that happens often and unfortunately gets overlooked in the adoption world. The couple she chose were my #1 choice before I found D&Y, so I always had an interest in her adoption situation. I fully supported her in the difficult decision she ended up making because she knew she was doing what was right for her son. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, and I see that so strongly in her story. In the end, it all worked out perfectly for everyone involved and I am so happy for them. Here is her story: 


"Becoming a mother is in no way an easy change in life. Things change so fast when you find out that you are pregnant. Your thoughts go from being about yourself and what you want in life to " Where is he going to go to school?" " Where are we going to set up our home?"  The change is so fast so unexpected that over night you become a whole new person. You would never have expected to think about diapers or formula, but you find yourself constantly thinking about them. You fear labour and getting fatter. STRETCH MARKS. That is a huge worry for some women. Your boobs litterally are not where they used to be. They seem to have fallen and you need to buy a good support bra to hold them back up or else you look like your grandma with your boobs lower then everyone else. 
  
 My pregnancy was easy, physically. But emotionally was a whole different story. I was very messed up. I was scared and upset. I felt alone and stupid. I would have panic attacks. I was dreading the final stages of pregnancy cause I was so afraid of what would happen after. 

 You see, when I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. It wasn't a "I had only been with the guy a short period of time" or one of those one night stand situations. I had been with my boyfriend for over a year. He was the only guy that I had ever had a sexual relationship with and I loved him. I wanted to get married to him. We liked to be together and we liked similar things.  But in Decemeber some stuff started to go wrong. I was finding myself unhappy all the time. I was angry all the time. I wasnt really angry with my boyfriend, I was angry with myself.  I hated the world and I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day my Grandma died and that sent me over the edge.  

  Normally I take out my journal on these occassions and vent then come back the next day read it and reflect on the situation. That way I am calm and can look back and figure things out. Well I didn't do that this time. This time I went to my mom. And she had some good words to say but it wasn't the right moment for me to hear it. Everything everyone said I tried to do. My mom suggested that if I was so unsure maybe I should look into adoption. So I did. But I went beyond that. I signed up for adoption. I put my name on a paper and signed it saying I was going to put my unborn baby into someone else's home and let them raise him. I commited to it so fast that I didn't really think about it till after. I didn't even discuss it with my boyfriend first. I just did it.  Then that is when the bigger problems started. 

 I had been living with my boyfriend for a couple weeks. Just over a month really. We moved in together because I was pregnant. Things became frustrating for me. He lived with his brother, his cousin, and another guy lived downstairs. Then there was me and living with all those guys I needed to get away. It wasnt home to me. I ended up causing more stress to myself because I had to move out and I had to tell my boyfriend that I was leaving. I still remember every feeling in my body when I told him. He was so sad. The shock in his face still haunts me. I loved him so much yet here I was causing him pain. Then when I told him about adoption, his entire body just slumped over and his tears became heavier and more rapid. I was taking away his son and he had no warning about it. 

 I ended up living in my cousins basement and 95% of the time I was alone. Being alone was not something that should have happened. I should have made myself get out and do things. But I was so sad and so unhappy with myself that I couldnt think about leaving the house. I wanted to disappear. My boyfriend didnt break up with me. He would come visit me and he would spend sometime with me, but I know it was hard for him to do. He wanted to be as involved with the adoption as possible. He wanted an open adoption and he wanted to be able to let our son know that he always loved him. He wanted to be there for him. It hurt to know that he wanted this baby so much and yet I was going to deny him his own family. 

You see, my boyfriend wasn't a bad guy. He was a sweetheart. He was sensitive. He had a very strong work ethic and he had a stable job. He was awesome with money and budgeting. He owned a very family friendly vehicle. He was genuine. He had just bought his own home and was waiting for construction to start. 

We moved on with the adoption. I went to my pregnant mothers class with a few other girls. One was keeping and raising her baby on her own. The other was doing adoption. I was so nervous to be there. I thought that they would all see through me. A 20 year old who could afford to take care of my son, who had the means to do so. Who would have support. Yet here I was. Giving up my baby. I felt like people were going to say I was taking the easy road out. I was too selfish to take care of him. But they would be wrong. Adoption is the hardest, most terrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life and I admire those who follow through and place their child into the arms of a loving family. 

 We found a couple families that we liked and it took three tries before we found the right one. I fell in love with them ASAP. Then when we met it was so perfect. The wife I will call Mrs. H. She was so adorable and she was so excited. She was willing to do an open adoption and wanted us to know that she understood how hard it was for us to let him go. Mr. H was supportive of his wife but I felt like he didnt really want an open adoption. My boyfriend felt the same way. He said that he seemed like he only wanted us to recieve letters and pictures and maybe eventually stop with pictures and letters. We both wanted to be able to visit. To see him grow with our own eyes. To see that he was happy. 

 As time passed I kept pushing my doubts aside and saying I signed that I wanted adoption and I better follow through. I was having problems with family because half said I was being a good mother doing this for him, then the other half said they would not be supportiive of this desicion. I was torn. I was scared. I was alone. I couldnt tell my mother that I wanted to keep him because she was pro adoption. She was very excited for the adoptive family. Yet it felt like my pain meant nothing to her. That I would easily be able to walk away from him and move on with life. I knew he would be my biggest event in my life. I loved him already and I would never stop loving him. My boyfriend was very cautious. He told me that we could support him and that he would be there for everything. But if I went through with the adoption, he never wanted to see me again. I understood but it hurt to hear him say that. I would not only  lose my son but the only man that I had ever loved. 

 I was due July 12 2010. My son came into the world July 15 2010. The last week I was pregnant was the hardest time during my pregnancy. I didn't want him to come. I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I could keep him safe from heartache, pain, anger and all the cruel things of the world. When I went into labour I called my boyfriend, for what I feared would be the last time. He didnt answer his phone and I dont drive. So I took transit to his house while in labour. Not the funnest experience of my life. 

My labour was fast and quick. I went into early labour at 8 pm on July 14. I started having contractions that were 10 mins to 15 mins apart at 5am. We went to the hospital at 6 just to check if i was dialated yet. Only 1 cm. I went to my house and packed somethings and by 12 my contractions were stronger and closer together. I was having a hard time swallowing so I became dehydrated. The only thing they could give me was ice chips. I tried jello at the hospital but a contraction made me throw-up. By 1pm  I was in the hospital again dialated 6cm. The delivery room is nice and big. And the shower was the best part. It helped so much with my contractions. Although I was being a total wimp. They had to give me an IV cause I was so dehydtrated that pushing would be harder. My boyfriend was awesome. He stayed by my side the entire time and helped me when I was having a contraction. He was scared himself. My mother was in the room and was being very supportive for him. She helped him coach me. She told him to be firm and to be strong. When I started pushing she told him that this would be intense but he needed to stay strong for me and for the baby. She was there the entire time and I am very greatful to her. My boyfriend was amazing. He was so brave. And at one point when our son was crowning he looked down by mistake. He turned his face back to me and he was ash green. It made me laugh. I almost thought he was going to faint. But he stayed strong and coached me. My nurse was the best nurse. She was strict, firm and was not affraid to get in my face to make me concentrate. I was a wimp I must tell you. Morphine was my bestfriend. I refused an epidural. Michael was born at 5:28 pm. I only had to push for 20 mins. He was born 6lbs 10 oz. He was 21 inches long. 

 I don't remember much about after he was born. I was taken to the OR cause I was in bad shape. I had torn so bad inside and outside that they had to put me under to fix it. I missed the first 6 hours of my sons life because I was under anesthetic. I wasn't able to get out of the bed for 36 hours. I could hardly sit up and so i was unable to change his diapers. Feeding him was impossible. I felt like my only chance at being his mother was taken away. I watched his little face and I knew he was mine. We decided to keep him and it tore my heart to pieces when I thought of the adoptive family who wasnt going to take him home. 

  For 5 months I had nightmares and I tortured myself. I hated that I had hurt such an innocent couple. Then at Christmas time I got an amazing gift of relief. The adoptive family had been given a baby, and to make things better it was a fully closed adoption. 

 I love being a mom. I love my son. I love my boyfriend. I love my family and I feel incredibly lucky to have so many people who care about me. My friends at work were so supportive and happy for me. I love them and I cant wait to go back to work and see them all everyday. 

 I admire Dallas and what she did for her son. She is an inspiration to me and I know her son will love her and thank her in the future." 


Love you, Ashley and Michael! 

one of those days

Ever have one of those days where you can't say exactly what is wrong, but all you know is that everything is? No matter how hard you tell yourself to suck it up, that everything is okay, you still find yourself acting like a huge baby? You were fine until that one dumb little thing set you off and now you can't stop crying? Well, today was one of those days.

Lately I have felt kind of lonely. Nikki moved to Calgary and I miss her so so much. I have felt lost without her, especially after spending so much time together this past year. She is what pulled me through it all, and now she doesn't need me, like I needed her. Karlee is getting married in a few months so she's really busy, and Curt is always playing hockey. Blah blah blah. As I was thinking about all this tonight, I remembered there was a bigger reason for all this loneliness. I remembered why, and who I was really missing. 

I'm left with empty arms and a little boy who stole my heart. 

I read a friends status on facebook today that she "didn't think it was possible to love someone that much in such a short period of time". (talking about her new niece) I can promise everyone that yes, it sure is possible. Anyone who has a child will tell you that. Now imagine feeling that huge love, and not having them there to show it to. I have felt the very same emotions any new mother feels, and loved Cash the way I would have if I was taking him home. But thats the thing- I didn't take him home. I was left with empty arms, and he took my heart with him. Over time, the grief has lessened and I am able to go longer periods of time without being too sad about things. I have found that lately I have been pushing aside my thoughts and emotions. Until today, I thought I was doing great and maybe moving past all those sad days I was used to having.  While I still think overall I am doing okay, bottling up all those feelings wasn't doing me any good. Sometimes life plays tricks on you, and all of a sudden those emotions come up again. I haven't had a good cry since before Christmas, but today I just let it all out. And I am glad that I did. I think a good cry every now and then is just what we all need. This post is for everyone, affected by adoption or not, to realize and accept that quite simply, it is okay to cry. Feel like shedding a tear or two and not knowing why? I cried for a long time today before I figured out the exact reason why. Girls are especially good at crying for no reason, so if you don't have an explanation for the tears, don't feel like you owe one to anybody. 

Tears are healthy. That doesn't mean we want you getting depressed because I say that. I mean it in positive way: Yes I miss Cash. But I don't regret my decision, nor would I change it even knowing how I feel now. His happiness is worth all the tears in the world. Even though I miss him dearly, I have been happy throughout all the hard times because I know he is happy. Yes I cry, and yes I miss him. But they are both sad and happy tears at the same time. It is okay to miss him. It is okay to cuddle up with the things that I kept, like his frog and blanket. It is okay to act like a baby sometimes yourself. It doesn't matter how old you are- we all have an inner child hiding in there somewhere. I love the following quote, and it teaches a good lesson. Always keep your head up through the hard times. Cry all you want if you feel like it, just so long as you remember how to smile. 
No smile is more beautiful than one that's struggled through the tears. 

a little side note

"As you grow up,
you’ll learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them,

And you'll cry because time is flying by.
So take many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees,
no time outs, and no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off;
speak out. dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend,
fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, and smile until your face hurts.  Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all,
live in the moment
because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back"

guest story!

I got this email from a fellow birthmother and I was so excited when she said I could share it with you all. I love hearing about other birthmother's experiences. Each and every story from someone who has been involved in adoption is amazing, and this one is no different. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did ! 

"Everyone’s story is different, even when we go through the same sorts of things... My story didn’t start eight years ago but it didn’t end there either.  My story probably starts in grade school.  I was not a popular girl and I was picked on and spit on and bullied my whole school life.  In grade 12 I moved, ran away from my school problems and found a better group a friends.  I dated my first boyfriend, although I don’t think I liked him but liked the fact that he liked me.  It didn’t last long. 

After school, I went to college.  One day, walking down the halls with my roommate, we past a really attractive guy.  He said something I thought was nice and my roommate thought was flirting and I was hooked.  I didn’t know who he was, but he was nice to me and he was attractive.  Later on during the school year we met and started hanging out.  He wasn’t a member of my church and didn’t believe in God at all.  He didn’t have a lot of moral standing or have a lot of the qualities I wanted in a husband but he thought I was attractive and no one had ever said that before.  My parents were always trying to get me to be better and do something different and it’s probably because they could see the direction in which I was heading and wanted to help.  But I didn’t see it as help or love, I saw it as attacking.  I got into trouble as always happens in these stories and then I assumed that the Lord no longer loved me because I had sinned.  No one else seemed to love me or care for me so why would He?  The only person who did was a guy who wouldn’t even date me exclusively, but that is all I thought I was worth. 

I got pregnant and the first suggestion from this guy was to get an abortion.  I was offended but looking back, it makes sense that if a person didn’t believe in God, they wouldn’t see abortion as wrong either.  Luckily, I remembered enough of what I had been taught as a child and could never abort a child.  His next idea was adoption.  We weren’t going to be married, that wasn’t the direction our relationship was going, although I thought I loved him.  He didn’t have a steady job and wanted to be a magician and free, not tied down to a kid with some girl he was just having fun times with.  So, I looked into adoption and single parenting.  I had some really good friends to help me along the way and one told me time and time again that if I wanted to single parent, I could come live with her and her soon-to-be husband once they were married and they would help support me and my baby.  I loved the support but I knew that adoption was the best thing for this child and that is the direction I went in.  I know it is not the same for all young, unmarried mother’s but that was the best thing for my baby.  I found a good family and met them a few times.  When I first saw their pictures, I knew that was where my child belonged- they were her family! 

At the end of our relationship, this guy I was dating decided that he wanted to change things up.  Three weeks before I was due, he came to me and said that he wanted his brother and sister-in-law adopt our daughter and then he could see her whenever he wanted but he wouldn’t have to parent her.  He told me he was going to take me to court over her.  I was pretty worried and went into the hospital that night, bleeding due to stress.  This was where things changed.  I asked my dad for a blessing and in it I was told that I had to fight for this child because she couldn’t fight for herself.  Three weeks later, I went into the hospital with my mom as my support and had a beautiful baby girl. Five days after that he took me to court and I fought for my daughter and what I knew was right.  I knew she was part of someone else’s family and I knew that was the will of the Lord.  So many people were behind me, praying for the baby and I and it did work our way.  Before the end of the day, my daughter was with her family and I have only seen her once since.  I have gotten pictures and letters of her for the last eight years and now my openness agreement has come to its end.  We have written about it and her parents feel that continuing should be her decision and so I will see if I hear anything else. 

Was this hard? Yes. It was the hardest thing I did in my life, but one of the best things I did, too. 

Is it still hard? Yes.  But life is different now looking back.

Do I regret my experience?  No, I was able to make something good out of something that wasn’t and I was able to bring a beautiful daughter of God into the world for someone who couldn’t do it for themselves.

I learned a lot from my experience and as I fought for her, I learned to fight for myself.  I learned that I am important, to the Lord and to myself and that is all that matters!  There were still times where Satan tested this new resolve to love myself and there are times when he still does but I am winning more and more.

I learned that I wanted to date a young man who would treat me well and who loved me, and I did.  I made myself a list of things I wanted in a husband and when I got married a few years ago, my husband had so many good qualities.  He treats me the way I should be treated.  Does he know about my past? Yes, but he doesn’t truly understand it.  It’s hard for people who haven’t been through something like that to understand.  I never gave her to her family because it would be a good decision for me, I only thought of her. 

Since this, I have gone to school in the field of those who worked with me and helped me so that I can do the same for someone else. 

I don’t have any children yet but I plan on it. 

There are always hard times, but things seem to get better.  Like a war wound the scab heals and becomes a scar and doesn’t bleed anymore.  But also like a war wound, there are good days and bad days.  There are days that the old war wound really hurts and I pull out my pictures and letter and cry.  There was the time I help my first nephew for the first time and just cried for a little while.  I wouldn’t hold babies at all until he came but he helped me heal that wound. But those bad days are getting further apart with a lot more good days in between.  There are days when you wouldn’t even notice my war limp and there are days where people look at me and I can tell they are seeing the limp and wondering where it is from.  Even people who know what the limp and wound are from still don’t understand.  Some of my siblings were angry with me for a long time because I took their niece away.  Others have used this to change their lives and do things differently.  I even have one sibling that wants to adopt now. 

Every story is different and every girl decides her ending differently.  For me, I chose to keep my daughter to myself- not a secret but something that I don’t share because she is too personal and others don’t understand.

The last time I took out my pictures and letters there weren’t any tears.  There is always sadness but there is hope, too.  Hope for her and hope for me.  Hope that her life will turn out better with her family than it would with me and hope that she will have a great self-esteem and not get into the problems I did.  Hope that I will have my own children and be able to raise them and love them as much as I love her. 

“Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.” A Knights Tale 

another year gone

Here we are at the start of a new year, and I'm left here pondering over 2010. What a year it was. The ups,  the downs, and everything in between. Graduating high school, having a baby, placing a baby, starting college.. I can't believe so many things happened over the short course of a year. 

In a way, I am sad to say goodbye to 2010. But January means a new start, new challenges to overcome, and more joys to fill my life. 

Looking back on 2010, I think of what got me through those difficult times. There is no way I could have ever gone through some of the things I did alone. There were so many people by my side, and I don't have any words to show how grateful I am for their support. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is my family. My mom, my dad, and everyone else. My friends. Most of all however, I think of my Savior. It is not just because of this past Christmas season that I acknowledge the role He had in my life over this past year. There were lots of times I felt alone, yet all I had to do was turn to Him for comfort. So many times I wanted to give up, but couldn't. I found this video today and cried because it was so perfect to how I felt the past year. 

The trials and challenges each of us face will become easier if we can only turn to the one person who will never give up on us. You are never alone. It is never too late to change, and find the joy that everyone searches for. All you have to do is look, listen, and trust. I promise that Love really will find you there!