Friday, January 14, 2011

one of those days

Ever have one of those days where you can't say exactly what is wrong, but all you know is that everything is? No matter how hard you tell yourself to suck it up, that everything is okay, you still find yourself acting like a huge baby? You were fine until that one dumb little thing set you off and now you can't stop crying? Well, today was one of those days.
Lately I have felt kind of lonely. Nikki moved to Calgary and I miss her so so much. I have felt lost without her, especially after spending so much time together this past year. She is what pulled me through it all, and now she doesn't need me, like I needed her. Karlee is getting married in a few months so she's really busy, and Curt is always playing hockey. Blah blah blah. As I was thinking about all this tonight, I remembered there was a bigger reason for all this loneliness. I remembered why, and who I was really missing. 
I'm left with empty arms and a little boy who stole my heart. 
I read a friends status on facebook today that she "didn't think it was possible to love someone that much in such a short period of time". (talking about her new niece) I can promise everyone that yes, it sure is possible. Anyone who has a child will tell you that. Now imagine feeling that huge love, and not having them there to show it to. I have felt the very same emotions any new mother feels, and loved Cash the way I would have if I was taking him home. But thats the thing- I didn't take him home. I was left with empty arms, and he took my heart with him. Over time, the grief has lessened and I am able to go longer periods of time without being too sad about things. I have found that lately I have been pushing aside my thoughts and emotions. Until today, I thought I was doing great and maybe moving past all those sad days I was used to having.  While I still think overall I am doing okay, bottling up all those feelings wasn't doing me any good. Sometimes life plays tricks on you, and all of a sudden those emotions come up again. I haven't had a good cry since before Christmas, but today I just let it all out. And I am glad that I did. I think a good cry every now and then is just what we all need. This post is for everyone, affected by adoption or not, to realize and accept that quite simply, it is okay to cry. Feel like shedding a tear or two and not knowing why? I cried for a long time today before I figured out the exact reason why. Girls are especially good at crying for no reason, so if you don't have an explanation for the tears, don't feel like you owe one to anybody. 
Tears are healthy. That doesn't mean we want you getting depressed because I say that. I mean it in positive way: Yes I miss Cash. But I don't regret my decision, nor would I change it even knowing how I feel now. His happiness is worth all the tears in the world. Even though I miss him dearly, I have been happy throughout all the hard times because I know he is happy. Yes I cry, and yes I miss him. But they are both sad and happy tears at the same time. It is okay to miss him. It is okay to cuddle up with the things that I kept, like his frog and blanket. It is okay to act like a baby sometimes yourself. It doesn't matter how old you are- we all have an inner child hiding in there somewhere. I love the following quote, and it teaches a good lesson. Always keep your head up through the hard times. Cry all you want if you feel like it, just so long as you remember how to smile. 
No smile is more beautiful than one that's struggled through the tears. 


  1. Girl, you don't even know how much I needed that post. I've been like that the past 2 days. Seriously, cried myself to sleep both nights.

  2. Wow. I am right there too. Living with empty arms and my heart stolen by my little boy who isn't with me.

    Thank you for this post. It was exactly what was needed for me today.

    I hope you are doing alright :)