I got this email from a fellow birthmother and I was so excited when she said I could share it with you all. I love hearing about other birthmother's experiences. Each and every story from someone who has been involved in adoption is amazing, and this one is no different. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did !
Monday, January 3, 2011
"Everyone’s story is different, even when we go through the same sorts of things... My story didn’t start eight years ago but it didn’t end there either. My story probably starts in grade school. I was not a popular girl and I was picked on and spit on and bullied my whole school life. In grade 12 I moved, ran away from my school problems and found a better group a friends. I dated my first boyfriend, although I don’t think I liked him but liked the fact that he liked me. It didn’t last long.
After school, I went to college. One day, walking down the halls with my roommate, we past a really attractive guy. He said something I thought was nice and my roommate thought was flirting and I was hooked. I didn’t know who he was, but he was nice to me and he was attractive. Later on during the school year we met and started hanging out. He wasn’t a member of my church and didn’t believe in God at all. He didn’t have a lot of moral standing or have a lot of the qualities I wanted in a husband but he thought I was attractive and no one had ever said that before. My parents were always trying to get me to be better and do something different and it’s probably because they could see the direction in which I was heading and wanted to help. But I didn’t see it as help or love, I saw it as attacking. I got into trouble as always happens in these stories and then I assumed that the Lord no longer loved me because I had sinned. No one else seemed to love me or care for me so why would He? The only person who did was a guy who wouldn’t even date me exclusively, but that is all I thought I was worth.
I got pregnant and the first suggestion from this guy was to get an abortion. I was offended but looking back, it makes sense that if a person didn’t believe in God, they wouldn’t see abortion as wrong either. Luckily, I remembered enough of what I had been taught as a child and could never abort a child. His next idea was adoption. We weren’t going to be married, that wasn’t the direction our relationship was going, although I thought I loved him. He didn’t have a steady job and wanted to be a magician and free, not tied down to a kid with some girl he was just having fun times with. So, I looked into adoption and single parenting. I had some really good friends to help me along the way and one told me time and time again that if I wanted to single parent, I could come live with her and her soon-to-be husband once they were married and they would help support me and my baby. I loved the support but I knew that adoption was the best thing for this child and that is the direction I went in. I know it is not the same for all young, unmarried mother’s but that was the best thing for my baby. I found a good family and met them a few times. When I first saw their pictures, I knew that was where my child belonged- they were her family!
At the end of our relationship, this guy I was dating decided that he wanted to change things up. Three weeks before I was due, he came to me and said that he wanted his brother and sister-in-law adopt our daughter and then he could see her whenever he wanted but he wouldn’t have to parent her. He told me he was going to take me to court over her. I was pretty worried and went into the hospital that night, bleeding due to stress. This was where things changed. I asked my dad for a blessing and in it I was told that I had to fight for this child because she couldn’t fight for herself. Three weeks later, I went into the hospital with my mom as my support and had a beautiful baby girl. Five days after that he took me to court and I fought for my daughter and what I knew was right. I knew she was part of someone else’s family and I knew that was the will of the Lord. So many people were behind me, praying for the baby and I and it did work our way. Before the end of the day, my daughter was with her family and I have only seen her once since. I have gotten pictures and letters of her for the last eight years and now my openness agreement has come to its end. We have written about it and her parents feel that continuing should be her decision and so I will see if I hear anything else.
Was this hard? Yes. It was the hardest thing I did in my life, but one of the best things I did, too.
Is it still hard? Yes. But life is different now looking back.
Do I regret my experience? No, I was able to make something good out of something that wasn’t and I was able to bring a beautiful daughter of God into the world for someone who couldn’t do it for themselves.
I learned a lot from my experience and as I fought for her, I learned to fight for myself. I learned that I am important, to the Lord and to myself and that is all that matters! There were still times where Satan tested this new resolve to love myself and there are times when he still does but I am winning more and more.
I learned that I wanted to date a young man who would treat me well and who loved me, and I did. I made myself a list of things I wanted in a husband and when I got married a few years ago, my husband had so many good qualities. He treats me the way I should be treated. Does he know about my past? Yes, but he doesn’t truly understand it. It’s hard for people who haven’t been through something like that to understand. I never gave her to her family because it would be a good decision for me, I only thought of her.
Since this, I have gone to school in the field of those who worked with me and helped me so that I can do the same for someone else.
I don’t have any children yet but I plan on it.
There are always hard times, but things seem to get better. Like a war wound the scab heals and becomes a scar and doesn’t bleed anymore. But also like a war wound, there are good days and bad days. There are days that the old war wound really hurts and I pull out my pictures and letter and cry. There was the time I help my first nephew for the first time and just cried for a little while. I wouldn’t hold babies at all until he came but he helped me heal that wound. But those bad days are getting further apart with a lot more good days in between. There are days when you wouldn’t even notice my war limp and there are days where people look at me and I can tell they are seeing the limp and wondering where it is from. Even people who know what the limp and wound are from still don’t understand. Some of my siblings were angry with me for a long time because I took their niece away. Others have used this to change their lives and do things differently. I even have one sibling that wants to adopt now.
Every story is different and every girl decides her ending differently. For me, I chose to keep my daughter to myself- not a secret but something that I don’t share because she is too personal and others don’t understand.
The last time I took out my pictures and letters there weren’t any tears. There is always sadness but there is hope, too. Hope for her and hope for me. Hope that her life will turn out better with her family than it would with me and hope that she will have a great self-esteem and not get into the problems I did. Hope that I will have my own children and be able to raise them and love them as much as I love her.
“Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.” A Knights Tale