Sunday, May 29, 2011

graduation- friends forever?

It has been exactly one year since I graduated high school. As I watched the Class of 2011 last night, I found myself reminiscing about my own grad night, and it actually made me a little sad.
The night before my grad, I had an emotional breakdown. I was determined not to go to convocation the next morning. I did not want to get up in front my classmates and their families, filling our local WHL hockey arena. It was probably one of the biggest struggles I had while I was pregnant. I was fine walking the halls of school because I was surrounded by people.. not walking alone across a stage, looking especially gigantic in that hideous cap and gown. Grad is supposed to be the best day of a teenagers life, but I was expecting it to be the complete opposite. After thinking about it more and talking with my parents, I finally decided that I needed to go. No one was forcing me, but I needed to show everyone that I wasn't going to back away then. I went to school every day for 9 months, and I couldn't give up now. There was no other option, I had to show everyone (and myself) that I wasn't ashamed. I remember crying myself to sleep that night, dreading the next day. Even tonight it makes me cry to think about how I felt. I woke up the morning of May 29th, telling myself I could do it. And I did. I was one of the last names to be called up to receive my diploma. I waddled up there in my high heels, and shook the hands of my teachers that had been so supportive of me. Each one of them told me how proud they were of me, and that meant a lot. After convocation, everyone started taking pictures with friends, and I just left. I wasn't included in much, and at the time I didn't want to be in any. I just wanted to get out of there and get the day over with. Looking back, I wish I had dressed up and taken pictures. I think I only got this one with Kar and Pa.
This is what I wore to convocation after I handed in my gown.. classy I know.
My best friend Karlee and "Pa", my other father. 
Not at all the dress I would have chosen had I not been
50 pounds heavier, but it worked.

At least I looked the same from my shoulders up!
 Just a little cubby ;) 
I didn't have a grad date, so my best friend Nikki and I went together haha.. She was such a great friend. We walked with two other boys from our graduating class, and that meant a lot to me that they weren't too embarrassed to walk with a hugely pregnant girl. James and Dylan, you'll never know how much I appreciated that. 
I often wonder who I would have gone with had I not been pregnant. All of my friends got asked in really cute ways, and it hurt me a lot not to be included in that. Its something every girl thinks about for years, and its a really exciting topic of conversation in grade 12. I wasn't surprised that no one asked me, but I do envy those who were asked. It would've been fun to match a boy and have him buy me my corsage and take pictures with me. 
I regret not taking pictures at all that day. It wasn't a big deal to me at the time, but looking back I wish I had some good ones. While I don't really want to remember the feelings I had, it would be nice to have more pictures to remember what I looked like, haha.
After the grand march, we had a dance. I danced with my dad very first, and then it was the dance for your "significant other". Well, mine wasn't there so I stood on the sidelines, and watched. The dance carried on for a few hours, and I just sat in the back and ate, haha. I talked with a few friends and it was actually pretty fun, when I didn't think about how much fun it could've been. 
After the dance, I went to Dry Grad. It's a grad put on by parents for those who aren't drinking at Safe Grad. We had it at the UofL, so we went swimming and rock climbing and had the gyms rented out for games and laser tag. It was reaaally late, and I was tired so I didn't do much. My parents were chaperones so I hung out with them a lot and did a few things, but because I was so big I wasn't able to do much other than swim. I always thought I'd have so much more fun than I did. 
Nikki and I giving each other foot massages at Dry Grad.. it was a longggg day!
What a great best friend.

My grad wasn't at all what I had dreamed of it being. It's not one of the happy, important days in my life, and I try not to think about it much. I looked last night at all the seniors, and felt super jealous of them. Oh how I wish things had been different! I remember dancing with Nikki to the song Graduation by Vitamin C and crying. Most of my friends and I have drifted apart, and its really sad. It happens to everyone though I suppose. We've all grown up, and things have changed.

I am extremely proud of myself for graduating high school and not missing a single day, despite my situation. I would have regretted dropping out, or finishing at an outreach program.
I wish things had been different, but they weren't.
I decided my graduation night that my wedding was just going to have to be perfect and everything I had wanted & more. Haha. I guess I'll have to combine my grad and wedding dreams into one day.
I can promise you right now that I wont be 9 months pregnant for my wedding!
I'm making a concious effort now to just forget about grad and look forward to the day I can wear the perfect dress, be with the perfect man, and be HAPPY! THAT will be the happiest day of my life. This whole deal with grad will just be a silly memory.


  1. Oh my goodness I LOVE that wedding dress....and I think your grad dress is so cute too! As I was at grad this weekend, I thought about you and how hard it must have been for you to go last year...but I'm glad you did! And your wedding day WILL be SO much better, ha ha:)

  2. Even though Graduation is a symbol of moving on and growing up, it is just a silly event in your life. Down the road you will look back and think, "Why was I so stressed about the dress?" The future is what matters. Your wedding is a huge step. It is the beginning of your life as a married woman, a wife, and a family of your very own. Much more important and memorable.