Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Day 4: The First Photo.


My birth-son Cash was born at 3:59 am on Friday June 18th, 2010. I had a natural delivery, mostly due to the fact that I am completely terrified of needles and the thought of an epidural going into my back did NOT sit well with me. I decided early on into my pregnancy that I would do it natural, and with the advice of a family friend, I looked into "Hypno-birthing" and taught myself how to relax through the contractions as best I could.

It is true what they say- as soon as you see that baby you forget all about the pain. 

That night is all a blur. I don't remember much from before I saw him- but thats one moment I will never forget. I can't get over how alert Cash was from the moment he was born. I never heard him make a sound in those first few hours. He was quiet, wide-awake, and content. It was a very surreal experience for me.. As soon as the nurses handed him to me after checking his vitals, everything else going on in the room seemed to disappear. It was me and him, and no one else. I was focussing on nothing but that little bundle in my arms. Everything I had gone to up to that point suddenly became worth it. Seeing this little face, and feeling of my love for him, made it all worth it.

In these photos, I was a mother. 

I had finally met the little boy I had carried for nine months, and grown to have such a strong connection to. Everything leading up to that point had been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences that at times had left me feeling hopeless and alone. But I wasn't alone- I had HIM. It was me and him, for nine whole months. I had made life-changing decisions on behalf of little guy, and this was it. This was when I got to meet him, to kiss him, and to tell him that I loved him and was doing this all for him. What an amazing experience, to hold this tiny child who unknowingly had been a part of a plan, and was going to change lives now and forever. 

I loved him the way any mother would love their child, only mine had some strings attached. I knew that he was meant for another family, and these moments together would be fleeting. I loved him the way I knew his adoptive mother would have loved him, if she was there. I thought of her, and how I knew I could trust her to love our son just as much as I did in those moments. I thought of how blessed we all were to be a part of this amazing experience. I thought of how much I loved him, and how hard it was going to be to say goodbye. 

I adore these photos because in them he was mine, if only for a moment.

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