Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Day 5: Fears.


My greatest fear: I am afraid that Cash won't come searching for answers, because he already has them. Cash knows that he has two moms and two dads, and that we love him equally. He has the answers he needs to know because our adoption is open, and when he is old enough, all the information will be available at his fingertips. Because of this, I worry that he won't have a desire to find out about where he came from, since he has been hearing the story since he was born. I worry that when he grows up he won't feel the need to have a relationship with me, because he already knows enough.

I am afraid that I will never feel great love. I worry all the time that I am no longer capable of having someone love me because I am "used".. I get anxiety at the first possibility of a relationship because I realize that at some point, I will have to share my story with this person... and I worry that they won't accept me because of my past. I also fear that I won't have the opportunity to have more children. This would absolutely break my heart, because one of my goals is to have children that I am in a position to raise in a stable environment. I worry that my experience as a birthmother will prevent me from accomplishing my greatest dream- which is to someday be a wife and mother.

I chose the quote "Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEAR" because it is something I strive to do each day. I have all these concerns, and at times it does really affect my perception. But, I do have FAITH that with the help of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, all things will work out accordingly. I have FAITH that even when times get hard, I can look to Him and be comforted in my sorrows. I have FAITH in a greater plan than any of us has the capacity to see, and that whatever happens, happens the way it is meant to be. 

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