edited: a letter to you.

I originally wrote this on February 22nd, but I felt the need to add in some things. Sorry to those of you who have already read it.

This is a letter to you. Maybe you just accidentally came upon my blog. Maybe you've been reading all along. Whatever the reason for your visit at this very moment, I want to thank you. I don't get many responses to my posts, but the ones I do get inspire me. If I have made even the smallest influence on someone else's life, then my job here is done. I started writing with the intentions to keep it private and just write as a sort of healing process for me. Then I decided to open it up without telling anyone, so that the only readers were those who actually wanted to hear from someone like them.. Well, now it has become all of that and so much more. Writing this blog has helped me in so many ways, and its the people like you who make me want to continue writing. I receive so many emails and Facebook messages from you all, and I am so thankful for them. To those of you that I have not yet replied to, I am sorry! But please know I appreciated your kind words so much, and it all means a lot to me. Sometimes you say you are embarrassed to tell me you read my blog, or that it is awkward to send me a message. Please stop thinking like that ! haha. I love hearing from you, especially when you say I have made a small difference in your life. So keep sending those messages ! ;) Maybe you haven't personally been affected by adoption, but I hope you can use some of it to apply to other trials you are facing. Whatever the case, I hope you have gained a little something from reading about my experiences. If you are struggling with something, anything at all.. just remember to keep your head held high. Thats the best advice I could give you. Don't give up when things get tough. Thats when you have to keep going.. never give up. Take the opportunity life has handed you with open arms. Don't think of a trial as the end of something. Think of it as the start to something great.

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... "

-Hope Floats

grad dress dilemma

OK creepers, I need your help. A close friend of mine has a friend who will be pregnant for her grad, and she is wondering if she can wear my dress for her grad. I can understand that because as you can imagine, it is not an easy task to find a maternity grad dress. Especially a modest/maternity/grad dress. I searched endless hours online for one, with no prevail. They just aren't around. (which is a good thing I suppose!) Plus I'm extremely picky. It was probably a good thing I wasn't shopping for my perfect dream grad dress I would have been had I not been huge, because it honestly would have taken months of looking to make me happy. I ended up getting mine in Utah, (surprise, thats where all Mormon girls get their grad and wedding dresses isn't it?) at a small boutique in the mall. It isn't a maternity dress though... Oh no. That would be easier for me to swallow. No, it is a lovely size 2XL. Let me tell you, being a girl who's never worn over a size small in her life, that was a hard tag to see. I was really tired by that time and just didn't care about the superficial things anymore, so I ended up just buying the first one I tried on. I actually fell in love with it, despite it not being what I had always dreamed of.
No girl dreams of being 9 months pregnant for her grad. 

Anyways, long story short- I haven't decided if I am okay with this girl wearing/buying my grad dress. I talked to my mom about it and obviously I will never wear it again, so why not let her have it? I received so many compliments on it, and I should let this friend at least look good while hugely pregnant right? Well, I guess I'm being selfish about it.. I'm attached to the dress. That's why. There is just something about that dress that I don't want to part with. Yet at the same time, I realize that it is so not practical at all to keep a size 2XL purple dress hanging in my closet. I don't know what to do. If you think I should let the girl wear my dress, check "I agree". If you think I should be a hoarder and keep it, check "I disagree". Thanks ! 

videos for your day!

I'm in the mood for a happier post tonight. Aren't you? I was reading some friend's blogs and I actually got jealous of how uplifting their blogs are ! Mine is really depressing, and I want to change that tonight. SO. I rounded up some of my favorite YouTube videos to share with you all this evening. 

1. I don't know why, but this video makes me laugh every time I see it. It's not even funny at all- yet somehow it really is. Maybe I find it funny because I'm Canadian and am proud of our national animal. Whatever the reason, I hope I'm not the only one who gets a smile out of this!  "Have a nice day! "

2.  Our school is big on affirming to yourself that you can do anything you want. A few girls who graduated posted this on our manager's facebook wall and I fell in love. This little girl is so cute, and I try everyday to look in the mirror and tell myself something I love about me :) You can never love yourself too much! Try it out one day, I bet you'll feel great all day long. 

3. I am in love with Julia Sheer. This video was the first time I heard her voice, and isn't amazing? Check out all her videos on YouTube, and support her on iTunes :)

4. Ok, this one is a little depressing. But it helped me get through lots of days. The words are perfect. Again, Julia Sheer.

5. My favorite movie. If you haven't seen it yet, I suggest you should. 

6. And of course, This one. Simply because, well.. I made it :) A promo video for my school. It won me a free UV Gel Nail course, which I start this weekend. Oh and yes, that is me getting my hair done in it ha.

dreams.

I had a bad dream last night. I don't recall what the dream initially started out as, but the main idea was this: I got shot in the heart. Don't laugh, it was serious! I was trying to be protected by a group of people, but the bullet still hit me. It was almost as if I could even feel the pain of it though. My mom was trying to save me, but I woke up before I knew what happened. I looked it up online, and was interested to know what the meaning of it could be. I don't necessarily believe in all that stuff, but sometimes it makes sense. These are the different interpretations I got for my dream, and what I took out of it.


Being shot in the heart symbolizes that you have been deeply hurt emotionally, mentally or spiritually. You may dream these kinds of dreams a lot because some event, relationship or person is causing you pain. - It was interesting to me that I had this dream after writing my last blog post, in which I was very upset. I believe the event of Cash's adoption becoming final was the event that was haunting me in my dream.. I went to sleep crying and holding Cash's blanket and frog. I know I have been deeply hurt emotionally. It literally hurts my heart when I think about it. The fact that there was a group of people trying to protect me symbolizes all those who were standing there by me throughout the difficult days and trying to make my pain easier. My mother was trying to save me in my dream, just like she does every day. She does not want me to hurt, and I can tell she wishes she could have "saved" me from all I went through.  


To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you need to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person. - This is also true. Even though I have put the past behind me, I am still not proud of the fact that I became pregnant at 17. I strive daily to become a better person, and start over. 


I just thought it was interesting how much symbolism there actually is in dreams, and it got me wondering if maybe there really is something more to them than we believe. We'll see what's on my mind tonight I suppose.  Hope your dreams are better than mine were!  

he's not mine.

I got served the Court papers today. This means Cash's adoption is almost finalized. I've known this day was coming. He is already 8 months, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner. I thought I was ready.. but I guess there was no way I could prepare myself for something I hadn't been through before. I's a hard thing to swallow. Really hard. When Curtis asked me what it was that made me cry the most, I couldn't get any words out. The emotions are there, but the words aren't. Sometimes you just can't put into words what you are feeling. There is a sincere amount of happiness for D&Y, and knowing Cash is being well taken care of. However, in a way I feel a sense of loss and pain amongst the joy. Almost as if this is the end of something. But the end to what? I wish I knew what to say. Any day now, Cash's birth certificate will be permanently changed. No longer will he have the name I gave him, or the piece of paper saying I was the one who gave birth to him. Any day now, D&Y could potentially delete me from their lives forever. Now that the papers are approved, what do they need me for? These are all the thoughts running through my head that have been making the tears fall down my cheeks all day. Nothing is different today than it was yesterday. And yet at the same time, everything is. The second I looked at that stack of papers and saw his "new" name, it hit me like a train. Any day now, it could be as though I never existed. I am hanging onto the belief that D&Y will continue to honor our agreement and keep me involved in Cash's life. They are amazing people, and I know they would never want to disappoint me or hurt me in any way. But there is always the possibility that they will change their minds, now that they don't need me for anything else. I signed my rights over 8 months ago. There was a copy of the relinquishment papers in the court order, and when I saw it I rewound in time. June 19th. Sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward, with Curt next to me and our lawyer stating the terms. Using everything I had left in me to sign my name on the line to pass my rights over to D&Y. Tears streaming down my face while I struggled to write. Longing to get out of that room and hold my baby while I still could. Feeling like my heart was going to explode with the pain I was experiencing. I pushed all of those memories out of my head for so long, and seeing those papers again today made the pain come rushing back. I haven't even blogged about those days yet, because I try everyday not to think about it. These new court papers remind me of what the relinquishment papers proved 8 months ago. He's not mine. He never has been. And admitting that hurts a lot. I filled out his birth certificate the day he was born, as if he was a child that belonged to me. I gave him a full name, and Curtis and I are his parents on that birth certificate. That gave me a sense of attachment to him. For the past 8 months he has had the name I gave him, with my last name as his. Now, he has an entirely new name. It kills me. I know D&Y are his parents, I chose them to be a year ago, and I knew what I was doing when I placed Cash into her arms. I have not, and will not ever regret the decision I made to do so. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Reading these papers made everything real once again. Signing my rights over, placing Cash with them, leaving the hospital alone, and now this. All of these events are the inevitable milestones that reaffirm the fact that he is not my son anymore. This is just one more thing I have to stay strong through and remind myself why I put myself through this. I love that little boy more than anything on this earth, no matter what the name on his birth certificate says. No he's not mine, but I still love him as if he were. 

still waiting

"It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming." 

— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)

8 months.

It seems like yesterday I was holding his tiny hand in mine. It still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about those days I spent with him, and the day I let him go. I don't think the tears will ever stop. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I am able to get through a day now without crying when I think of him, but that doesn't mean the pain isn't still there. I'm healing- slowly. Thinking about him specifically- what he looks like, what he is doing- that doesn't hurt. Its remembering back to what it felt like to hold him for the first time.. and the last time. Placing him into Y's arms and walking out of the room, not looking back. Driving away from the hospital with an empty backseat. Going on with life as though nothing happened. That's where the tears come from. I can't believe all that happened just 8 short months ago. I wish I had found this journal entry I wrote earlier. I found a lot of comfort reading it today, but I had wrote it to Cash on January 18th, 2010. Here it is:

"I feel really blessed today. I don't really know why, nothing special happened ! I just feel like honestly I have nothing to complain about. I could always whine and say how much my life sucks and black blah blah but it really doesn't ! I'm HAPPY. I look at other people's lives and realize how lucky and blessed I truly am. Look at me- I've got an amazing support from family and friends, talents, a good lifestyle, and most importantly- you. I feel so blessed to be a mother, in spite of the circumstances. I was just thinking today, "wow. Heavenly Father has trusted me enough to send one of his children here to me." It's like I finally realized that maybe this was meant to happen. That maybe this was what my role here on Earth was supposed to be. That maybe we all agreed to this before we even came here. I don't know, maybe that sounds silly. But its just a thought. I found this quote and it's what made me stop to think about it all. 

"There are two great days in a person's life. The day we are born, and the day we discover why."

You are my reason for living. I've always struggled with self esteem, and for the first time in my life I feel extremely confident and trusting of myself. I believe in myself. I know that I have made mistakes, but I am doing all I can to make them better. Words cannot describe how much I love you already. For the next 4 months, its me and you against the world! I promise we will get though everything it throws at us. You have given me a strength I didn't know I had. I promise I won't let you down, not now and not ever. I hope you will always be proud to call me your birthmother, as I know I will always be proud of you.  I love you! 

"Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came. Showing me another way, and all that love can bring." " 

food for two.

One of the things I listed that I love is unhealthy food. Well, here is a list of all the things I craved whilst pregnant, and trust me- they are none too healthy. I kept a list in my journal just for fun, so here it is !  

The very first things I craved were Skittles and Grape Juice. I have no idea why, but this craving was huge. And my momma went out and got them for me :) During the first few months I was a bit nauseous (although I didn't get sick once! lucky me!), and I wanted saltine crackers and pickles. All I ever wanted to drink was Lemonade, and didn't realize how hard it was to find at a fast food restaurant! Karlee being the best friend that she is, drove all over trying to get me some Lemonade and we couldnt find any :( so I went through a TON of Country Time lemonade powder and just made it myself.  I ate any and all sour candies like they were going out of style. I was always eating some sort of candy. And anything that was sour I definitely wanted.  One day me and Nikki were sitting in the hallway at school and I got the sudden need for a pepperoni stick. Luckily enough we had some in the vending machine at school! And every once in awhile Nikki would suprise me with one at break (she was an awesome best friend!) I craved yogurt, potatoes and gravy, lemon chicken from the Cheesecake Cafe (which they now have discontinued and I am extremely upset), Chinese Food, movie theatre popcorn and blueberry milkshakes. As you can tell, nothing good for me at all. I was constantly eating- its true that I was eating for two!! I gained almost 50 pounds! Hitting 170 was a sad day for me, even though it wasn't all me, haha. I always thought I would have a 5 pound baby, but after remembering what I was eating the whole time, I'm not suprised he was almost 4 pounds heavier than that!! Here's a picture of my giagantic baby belly, taken the day before I delivered.