It seems like yesterday I was holding his tiny hand in mine. It still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about those days I spent with him, and the day I let him go. I don't think the tears will ever stop. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I am able to get through a day now without crying when I think of him, but that doesn't mean the pain isn't still there. I'm healing- slowly. Thinking about him specifically- what he looks like, what he is doing- that doesn't hurt. Its remembering back to what it felt like to hold him for the first time.. and the last time. Placing him into Y's arms and walking out of the room, not looking back. Driving away from the hospital with an empty backseat. Going on with life as though nothing happened. That's where the tears come from. I can't believe all that happened just 8 short months ago. I wish I had found this journal entry I wrote earlier. I found a lot of comfort reading it today, but I had wrote it to Cash on January 18th, 2010. Here it is:
"I feel really blessed today. I don't really know why, nothing special happened ! I just feel like honestly I have nothing to complain about. I could always whine and say how much my life sucks and black blah blah but it really doesn't ! I'm HAPPY. I look at other people's lives and realize how lucky and blessed I truly am. Look at me- I've got an amazing support from family and friends, talents, a good lifestyle, and most importantly- you. I feel so blessed to be a mother, in spite of the circumstances. I was just thinking today, "wow. Heavenly Father has trusted me enough to send one of his children here to me." It's like I finally realized that maybe this was meant to happen. That maybe this was what my role here on Earth was supposed to be. That maybe we all agreed to this before we even came here. I don't know, maybe that sounds silly. But its just a thought. I found this quote and it's what made me stop to think about it all.
"There are two great days in a person's life. The day we are born, and the day we discover why."
You are my reason for living. I've always struggled with self esteem, and for the first time in my life I feel extremely confident and trusting of myself. I believe in myself. I know that I have made mistakes, but I am doing all I can to make them better. Words cannot describe how much I love you already. For the next 4 months, its me and you against the world! I promise we will get though everything it throws at us. You have given me a strength I didn't know I had. I promise I won't let you down, not now and not ever. I hope you will always be proud to call me your birthmother, as I know I will always be proud of you. I love you!
"Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came. Showing me another way, and all that love can bring." "