I went to LDS Family Services on Friday. I've been working with a woman there named Gloria for the past few months. She's very nice, and an amazing person. She's helped me out a lot. Anyways, on this particular visit she asked me to think about being a single mom more. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it at all. I want you to have two loving parents, so I ruled out being a mom early on in our pregnancy. Deep down, I know that I wish I could keep you and raise you. I love you so much, and I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to place you with someone else. But I also know that adoption is what was meant for you, and its whats in your best interest. So I asked to see a few portfolios to look at. She gave me some, but once I got into my car, I broke down and realized that I'm just not ready to choose a family for you yet. This is my time to enjoy having you and I just can't bring myself to think about losing you just yet. I've been having alot of bad days lately, mostly because I'm feeling alone.
(the rest of the journal entry was about Curt, and I don't want to share that haha)
I wrote this in my journal to Cash, and I decided to share it here because it was what started my actual road to adoption. I am going to start posting more out of my journal, because I wrote that while everything was happening, and it is easier to copy than to look back and try to remember what happened exactly. Some entries are really personal, and although this blog is public, I hope you will respect the thoughts/feelings I had.
This next entry was part of my journal written 2 days later..
I got a few new portfolios. I have looked at every couple that has no kids already. I thought that was what I wanted! However, I've started to change my opinion, and maybe siblings would be alot of fun for you.. I still have alot of time to choose.
(February 3, 2010)
I got a few more portfolios from Gloria today. There is one that is really standing out to me, I can't get them out of my head! They seem so perfect.. everything I could ever want for you they have. They are a great looking couple with an adorable adopted daughter named Summer. I opened the portfolio while I was in my car today waiting to go into dance and I started to cry when I read it. The letter she, (Y) wrote was so beautiful! She talked about the moment her daughter's birthmom placed the baby (S) in her arms, and all I could do was picture me doing the same thing. I cry every time I think of placement. But Y made it sound so beautiful and peaceful, and in a strange way I look forward to sharing that moment with her. I'm not sure if it was the letter that made me cry or if it was the spirit telling me, "THIS is the right family for your son". The father, (D) played hockey growing up, and your father would love it if you played too. (Then I lectured about hockey, and being a good boy haha) I feel like if I did choose this family for you, that you would be very well taken care of. They can make many opportunities and resources available to you, and you will do and see great things throughout your life. That is my hope and dream for you. Never let anything hold you back from what you want to do! For some reason, this family just seems right to me. I am going to pray and think hard about it before I make a decision though. I know this is the hardest decision I will ever have to make, and I WILL choose the right one, because it will affect your life now, and for eternity. You are the most important thing in my life, and I won't let you down. I promise you baby, whatever decision I make will be the right one, I know this because I will put my whole heart and energy into it. I will follow my heart, and the spirit. I know God has a plan for you, and I will make sure I get you there.
"I love you. Don't ever think that I don't, and never forget that I do."
(February 23, 2010)
I went to LDS family services today and told Gloria that I had decided on D&Y, and wanted to meet them as soon as I could! So, next Tuesday I am meeting your adoptive parents!! I am SO excited. I feel 100% that I am doing the right thing, for YOU. They were THRILLED to hear that I had chosen them. Aahh I am so happy, and I can't WAIT to meet and talk with them! I know they're going to be so amazing, I can feel it. Counting down the days! xoxo.