edited: a letter to you.

I originally wrote this on February 22nd, but I felt the need to add in some things. Sorry to those of you who have already read it.

This is a letter to you. Maybe you just accidentally came upon my blog. Maybe you've been reading all along. Whatever the reason for your visit at this very moment, I want to thank you. I don't get many responses to my posts, but the ones I do get inspire me. If I have made even the smallest influence on someone else's life, then my job here is done. I started writing with the intentions to keep it private and just write as a sort of healing process for me. Then I decided to open it up without telling anyone, so that the only readers were those who actually wanted to hear from someone like them.. Well, now it has become all of that and so much more. Writing this blog has helped me in so many ways, and its the people like you who make me want to continue writing. I receive so many emails and Facebook messages from you all, and I am so thankful for them. To those of you that I have not yet replied to, I am sorry! But please know I appreciated your kind words so much, and it all means a lot to me. Sometimes you say you are embarrassed to tell me you read my blog, or that it is awkward to send me a message. Please stop thinking like that ! haha. I love hearing from you, especially when you say I have made a small difference in your life. So keep sending those messages ! ;) Maybe you haven't personally been affected by adoption, but I hope you can use some of it to apply to other trials you are facing. Whatever the case, I hope you have gained a little something from reading about my experiences. If you are struggling with something, anything at all.. just remember to keep your head held high. Thats the best advice I could give you. Don't give up when things get tough. Thats when you have to keep going.. never give up. Take the opportunity life has handed you with open arms. Don't think of a trial as the end of something. Think of it as the start to something great.

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... "

-Hope Floats

grad dress dilemma

OK creepers, I need your help. A close friend of mine has a friend who will be pregnant for her grad, and she is wondering if she can wear my dress for her grad. I can understand that because as you can imagine, it is not an easy task to find a maternity grad dress. Especially a modest/maternity/grad dress. I searched endless hours online for one, with no prevail. They just aren't around. (which is a good thing I suppose!) Plus I'm extremely picky. It was probably a good thing I wasn't shopping for my perfect dream grad dress I would have been had I not been huge, because it honestly would have taken months of looking to make me happy. I ended up getting mine in Utah, (surprise, thats where all Mormon girls get their grad and wedding dresses isn't it?) at a small boutique in the mall. It isn't a maternity dress though... Oh no. That would be easier for me to swallow. No, it is a lovely size 2XL. Let me tell you, being a girl who's never worn over a size small in her life, that was a hard tag to see. I was really tired by that time and just didn't care about the superficial things anymore, so I ended up just buying the first one I tried on. I actually fell in love with it, despite it not being what I had always dreamed of.
No girl dreams of being 9 months pregnant for her grad. 

Anyways, long story short- I haven't decided if I am okay with this girl wearing/buying my grad dress. I talked to my mom about it and obviously I will never wear it again, so why not let her have it? I received so many compliments on it, and I should let this friend at least look good while hugely pregnant right? Well, I guess I'm being selfish about it.. I'm attached to the dress. That's why. There is just something about that dress that I don't want to part with. Yet at the same time, I realize that it is so not practical at all to keep a size 2XL purple dress hanging in my closet. I don't know what to do. If you think I should let the girl wear my dress, check "I agree". If you think I should be a hoarder and keep it, check "I disagree". Thanks ! 

videos for your day!

I'm in the mood for a happier post tonight. Aren't you? I was reading some friend's blogs and I actually got jealous of how uplifting their blogs are ! Mine is really depressing, and I want to change that tonight. SO. I rounded up some of my favorite YouTube videos to share with you all this evening. 

1. I don't know why, but this video makes me laugh every time I see it. It's not even funny at all- yet somehow it really is. Maybe I find it funny because I'm Canadian and am proud of our national animal. Whatever the reason, I hope I'm not the only one who gets a smile out of this!  "Have a nice day! "

2.  Our school is big on affirming to yourself that you can do anything you want. A few girls who graduated posted this on our manager's facebook wall and I fell in love. This little girl is so cute, and I try everyday to look in the mirror and tell myself something I love about me :) You can never love yourself too much! Try it out one day, I bet you'll feel great all day long. 

3. I am in love with Julia Sheer. This video was the first time I heard her voice, and isn't amazing? Check out all her videos on YouTube, and support her on iTunes :)

4. Ok, this one is a little depressing. But it helped me get through lots of days. The words are perfect. Again, Julia Sheer.

5. My favorite movie. If you haven't seen it yet, I suggest you should. 

6. And of course, This one. Simply because, well.. I made it :) A promo video for my school. It won me a free UV Gel Nail course, which I start this weekend. Oh and yes, that is me getting my hair done in it ha.

dreams.

I had a bad dream last night. I don't recall what the dream initially started out as, but the main idea was this: I got shot in the heart. Don't laugh, it was serious! I was trying to be protected by a group of people, but the bullet still hit me. It was almost as if I could even feel the pain of it though. My mom was trying to save me, but I woke up before I knew what happened. I looked it up online, and was interested to know what the meaning of it could be. I don't necessarily believe in all that stuff, but sometimes it makes sense. These are the different interpretations I got for my dream, and what I took out of it.


Being shot in the heart symbolizes that you have been deeply hurt emotionally, mentally or spiritually. You may dream these kinds of dreams a lot because some event, relationship or person is causing you pain. - It was interesting to me that I had this dream after writing my last blog post, in which I was very upset. I believe the event of Cash's adoption becoming final was the event that was haunting me in my dream.. I went to sleep crying and holding Cash's blanket and frog. I know I have been deeply hurt emotionally. It literally hurts my heart when I think about it. The fact that there was a group of people trying to protect me symbolizes all those who were standing there by me throughout the difficult days and trying to make my pain easier. My mother was trying to save me in my dream, just like she does every day. She does not want me to hurt, and I can tell she wishes she could have "saved" me from all I went through.  


To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you need to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person. - This is also true. Even though I have put the past behind me, I am still not proud of the fact that I became pregnant at 17. I strive daily to become a better person, and start over. 


I just thought it was interesting how much symbolism there actually is in dreams, and it got me wondering if maybe there really is something more to them than we believe. We'll see what's on my mind tonight I suppose.  Hope your dreams are better than mine were!  

he's not mine.

I got served the Court papers today. This means Cash's adoption is almost finalized. I've known this day was coming. He is already 8 months, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner. I thought I was ready.. but I guess there was no way I could prepare myself for something I hadn't been through before. I's a hard thing to swallow. Really hard. When Curtis asked me what it was that made me cry the most, I couldn't get any words out. The emotions are there, but the words aren't. Sometimes you just can't put into words what you are feeling. There is a sincere amount of happiness for D&Y, and knowing Cash is being well taken care of. However, in a way I feel a sense of loss and pain amongst the joy. Almost as if this is the end of something. But the end to what? I wish I knew what to say. Any day now, Cash's birth certificate will be permanently changed. No longer will he have the name I gave him, or the piece of paper saying I was the one who gave birth to him. Any day now, D&Y could potentially delete me from their lives forever. Now that the papers are approved, what do they need me for? These are all the thoughts running through my head that have been making the tears fall down my cheeks all day. Nothing is different today than it was yesterday. And yet at the same time, everything is. The second I looked at that stack of papers and saw his "new" name, it hit me like a train. Any day now, it could be as though I never existed. I am hanging onto the belief that D&Y will continue to honor our agreement and keep me involved in Cash's life. They are amazing people, and I know they would never want to disappoint me or hurt me in any way. But there is always the possibility that they will change their minds, now that they don't need me for anything else. I signed my rights over 8 months ago. There was a copy of the relinquishment papers in the court order, and when I saw it I rewound in time. June 19th. Sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward, with Curt next to me and our lawyer stating the terms. Using everything I had left in me to sign my name on the line to pass my rights over to D&Y. Tears streaming down my face while I struggled to write. Longing to get out of that room and hold my baby while I still could. Feeling like my heart was going to explode with the pain I was experiencing. I pushed all of those memories out of my head for so long, and seeing those papers again today made the pain come rushing back. I haven't even blogged about those days yet, because I try everyday not to think about it. These new court papers remind me of what the relinquishment papers proved 8 months ago. He's not mine. He never has been. And admitting that hurts a lot. I filled out his birth certificate the day he was born, as if he was a child that belonged to me. I gave him a full name, and Curtis and I are his parents on that birth certificate. That gave me a sense of attachment to him. For the past 8 months he has had the name I gave him, with my last name as his. Now, he has an entirely new name. It kills me. I know D&Y are his parents, I chose them to be a year ago, and I knew what I was doing when I placed Cash into her arms. I have not, and will not ever regret the decision I made to do so. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Reading these papers made everything real once again. Signing my rights over, placing Cash with them, leaving the hospital alone, and now this. All of these events are the inevitable milestones that reaffirm the fact that he is not my son anymore. This is just one more thing I have to stay strong through and remind myself why I put myself through this. I love that little boy more than anything on this earth, no matter what the name on his birth certificate says. No he's not mine, but I still love him as if he were. 

still waiting

"It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming." 

— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)

8 months.

It seems like yesterday I was holding his tiny hand in mine. It still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about those days I spent with him, and the day I let him go. I don't think the tears will ever stop. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I am able to get through a day now without crying when I think of him, but that doesn't mean the pain isn't still there. I'm healing- slowly. Thinking about him specifically- what he looks like, what he is doing- that doesn't hurt. Its remembering back to what it felt like to hold him for the first time.. and the last time. Placing him into Y's arms and walking out of the room, not looking back. Driving away from the hospital with an empty backseat. Going on with life as though nothing happened. That's where the tears come from. I can't believe all that happened just 8 short months ago. I wish I had found this journal entry I wrote earlier. I found a lot of comfort reading it today, but I had wrote it to Cash on January 18th, 2010. Here it is:

"I feel really blessed today. I don't really know why, nothing special happened ! I just feel like honestly I have nothing to complain about. I could always whine and say how much my life sucks and black blah blah but it really doesn't ! I'm HAPPY. I look at other people's lives and realize how lucky and blessed I truly am. Look at me- I've got an amazing support from family and friends, talents, a good lifestyle, and most importantly- you. I feel so blessed to be a mother, in spite of the circumstances. I was just thinking today, "wow. Heavenly Father has trusted me enough to send one of his children here to me." It's like I finally realized that maybe this was meant to happen. That maybe this was what my role here on Earth was supposed to be. That maybe we all agreed to this before we even came here. I don't know, maybe that sounds silly. But its just a thought. I found this quote and it's what made me stop to think about it all. 

"There are two great days in a person's life. The day we are born, and the day we discover why."

You are my reason for living. I've always struggled with self esteem, and for the first time in my life I feel extremely confident and trusting of myself. I believe in myself. I know that I have made mistakes, but I am doing all I can to make them better. Words cannot describe how much I love you already. For the next 4 months, its me and you against the world! I promise we will get though everything it throws at us. You have given me a strength I didn't know I had. I promise I won't let you down, not now and not ever. I hope you will always be proud to call me your birthmother, as I know I will always be proud of you.  I love you! 

"Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came. Showing me another way, and all that love can bring." " 

food for two.

One of the things I listed that I love is unhealthy food. Well, here is a list of all the things I craved whilst pregnant, and trust me- they are none too healthy. I kept a list in my journal just for fun, so here it is !  

The very first things I craved were Skittles and Grape Juice. I have no idea why, but this craving was huge. And my momma went out and got them for me :) During the first few months I was a bit nauseous (although I didn't get sick once! lucky me!), and I wanted saltine crackers and pickles. All I ever wanted to drink was Lemonade, and didn't realize how hard it was to find at a fast food restaurant! Karlee being the best friend that she is, drove all over trying to get me some Lemonade and we couldnt find any :( so I went through a TON of Country Time lemonade powder and just made it myself.  I ate any and all sour candies like they were going out of style. I was always eating some sort of candy. And anything that was sour I definitely wanted.  One day me and Nikki were sitting in the hallway at school and I got the sudden need for a pepperoni stick. Luckily enough we had some in the vending machine at school! And every once in awhile Nikki would suprise me with one at break (she was an awesome best friend!) I craved yogurt, potatoes and gravy, lemon chicken from the Cheesecake Cafe (which they now have discontinued and I am extremely upset), Chinese Food, movie theatre popcorn and blueberry milkshakes. As you can tell, nothing good for me at all. I was constantly eating- its true that I was eating for two!! I gained almost 50 pounds! Hitting 170 was a sad day for me, even though it wasn't all me, haha. I always thought I would have a 5 pound baby, but after remembering what I was eating the whole time, I'm not suprised he was almost 4 pounds heavier than that!! Here's a picture of my giagantic baby belly, taken the day before I delivered. 

love day

Happy Valentines Day!!

Things I am grateful for today:

That 2 people fell in love, and opened their lives to my son. I am grateful for the way they have lived their lives, so that they are able to give Cash what he deserves. I am grateful that they will have him sealed to them for time and all eternity, so that one day, I will be with him again. I love D&Y so much .

Curtis. He has changed my life in so many ways, and I don’t know what I would do without him. He knows absolutely everything about me and somehow still loves me anyways. The past few years with him have made my life a complete rollercoaster, and yet I wouldn’t change a single minute of it. I say I owe my life to Cash- well, I owe it to Cash’s birthdaddy too. He is what got me through the last year and a half, and honestly without him I don’t know if I would be where I am today. He was there when I felt so alone. He was the only one who completely understood what I was feeling. We shared more than a child together- we shared an incredible love for that child. Not one person on this earth has felt the way I feel about Cash besides Curtis. When I am feeling a certain way, Curt is who I go to. Some days, I don’t even have to say anything and he just knows that I am missing Cash and tells me everything will be okay. We cry together, we laugh together, and we smile together, talking about what Cash’s life is going to be like. At times we wonder what it would be like if we had kept Cash, but we do not regret our decision. I love Curtis so much and am proud of the man he has become over the past year. I’d like to take the credit for it, but I really can’t do that. He has become an amazing person, and has grown into a great man. He too, recognizes that all this happened because of our baby boy. Our mistake that turned into a blessing. I fell in love with a man who loved my son as equally as I did. Curt showed me that it is possible to break out of the things that bind us, and to fight and become a better person when things seem impossible. When most people expected him to walk away, he instead walked into my life, and was determined to stay there. Cash will always know how much his birthfather loved him, and how lucky he is to have him in his life. Many times the birthfather doesn’t stick around, and it is the child who suffers when they go looking for answers. I am so grateful for Curtis in my life, and for everything he has helped me through. Without him, I don’t know if I could’ve gotten through what I did as easily. He supported me whole-heartedly, no matter what, and I love him for that. Curtis will always be my best friend, and father to the little boy that changed my life.

in memory of "Beans"

I saw this video on a friend's facebook profile and it really touched me. I didn't personally know the people involved in this story, but my sister was in one of the boy's ward in Taber, so I knew a little bit about what happened. Watching it brought tears to my eyes just thinking about the tragedy, but then I heard the whole point of the video. I don't want to take away from the loss of Bean's life, but when I heard Darren say the following, I related it to myself. When you watch the video, think about what is being said and apply it to your own life. 

"I was lost, I was confused. I was mad, I was sad, I was angry. I wanted answers now, I didn't want to wait. Heavenly Father doesn't work that way I've learned, He does it in different ways...  I could feel the love, I could feel the spirit. I knew [He] was okay, and that he didn't want me to be upset, he was happy. 

I learnt that Heavenly Father knows who I am, who each of us are. He knows that if we have faith we can conquor anything, and he doesnt give us a trial we cant overcome. 

Ask god for help, He will give you help. 

The past year and a half has been tough, but being on my knees quite a bit- I got answers later on. The plan of salvation, the atonement, its real to me. We learn it in seminary, in church, your whole life growing up. But when you apply it in your life it takes on a whole new meaning.  From that i know [He] is alright, and I'll get to see him again. " 

what do you think?

I feel like I've kind of drifted away from talking about adoption, and maybe thats not a good thing? I don't know. I guess I have just become addicted to blogging and do it about anything.. I can't help myself! haha. The whole purpose of this blog business was to help myself heal and help others in similar situations, and so maybe talking about other things isn't doing what I wanted it to. Should I stop blogging about things unrelated to adoption and keep the focus solely on Cash & adoption? What do you think?

makeup

Last night I did a little bit of makeup for some of Crystals friends. It was so much fun! I was giving little mini-lessons while I did their makeup, and thought maybe I should post some on here! So ladies, what is in your makeup bag? If you are like most of the girls I did last night, there probably isn't much! haha. Thats a good thing though! You don't need a lot. There are only 8 items you need in your bag to get a complete look. 

1. A good foundation. Apply it starting in the middle and working your way out. That way you will get the cover where you want it most, and it won't look like you are wearing a mask. And don't be afraid to put it on your eyelids, it can double as a primer. Last night one of the girls introduced me to Mary Kay's Total Coverage, and it was amazing!! A little pricey, so if you are looking to go the cheaper route, I recommend Mabelline's SuperStay liquid foundation. 

2. Mineral Powder. I always always always set my foundation with a mineral powder. You just don't look finished without a good powder. And mineral is always nice. Just don't breathe in while you are putting it on! 

3. Blush on the apples of your cheeks and Bronzer on your cheek bones. Blend the two together to get a seamless, tanned, cheerful glow :)

4. Eyeshadow. Please don't go for the cheapest one and expect them to go on the way they look. Get a high pigmented, good quality eyeshadow and you won't have any problems. Play it safe and go for neutrals. On a day where I don't have time to play around with my eyeshadow, I always opt for a gold shimmer base and charcoal in the crease. Easy.

5. Gel liner. Perfect for tight liner, which is a definite must. Apply it with an angled eyeliner brush in the lash line to make your lashes appear thicker. Then apply above lashes if desired.

6. Mascara. (preceded by a good curl of course, don't be scared of them!) I love Mabelline's Falsies mascara in Black Drama. 

7. Brow Pencil. I have realized that I just don't look finished unless my brows are filled in. Especially if wearing a darker eyeshadow. Make this a priority in your daily routine, and you will feel put together even without a full face of makeup I promise! 

8. Lastly, a highlighting shadow/powder. Apply in both corners of your eye and under your arch. Instantly makes eyes pop! 

I won't post about any other makeup tips because that is not what this blog is for :) If you are looking for girls who teach makeup on their blogs, there are lots out there. 

Enjoy! 

me & my career

So, by now you probably all think you know me. For the most part, you know the important things that make me, ME. The things I hold near and dear to my heart. My feelings. My thoughts. My story. I'm going to tell you about the more recent things that make up myself, and that are teaching me new things. What I have done with my life since placement, and what my future looks like. 

I started hair school at Purely Inspired Academy of Beauty on July 19th, 2010. Yep, thats right. One month after I graduated high school and had a baby. I had a month to get back on my feet after all of the craziness. Kinda stressful, right? It was. My mom and I went to Las Vegas for a week before that to help me forget about things and prepare to start "the real world". I didn't know what to expect, starting a 9-5 schedule, 5 or 6 days a week for 9 months with 20 girls I didn't know. I knew I was interested in hair- I just didn't know it would be this much. I fell in love with hair. Weird I know. I finally felt like I had a talent in life, and that I could do anything I wanted with it. I know you're probably thinking "this girl is nuts. She is in love with hair?!" And yes, yes I am. I have found what I call my calling in life, and that is to be a stylist. I have never been as happy with something as I have been at that school. The girls in my class are absolutely amazing, it really is true that college is where you build lifelong friendships. Because of my hairstyling backgrounds, I have became more interested in aesthetics and makeup. I am now a certified Makeup Artist, and am excited to see where that road will take me. I also am certified in Eyelash Perming and Tinting, and Body Sugaring. Body Sugaring is similar to waxing, only better :) I just finished that course this weekend, so I still need practice but so far I am loving it too! And in March I will be taking my UV Gel Nail course, so I can do that as well. I am so so so excited to start working with all these services in a salon. Hair is my passion and main focus, but it's good to have a break sometimes and do the little things as well.

One day I hope to either open my own salon or just work at home. I have never wanted to be a "career mom", so I hope I can spend as much time at home with my kids as possible. Since I love doing what I do, I will have no problem working at home and keeping it up. 

"If you love what you do, you will never have to work a day in your life". 

honorable mentionaries

There are many people who helped me an insane amount during my pregnancy and after placement, and definitely deserve a spot on my honorable mentions list. They are those who were "behind the scenes" and that I haven't blogged about, yet still love very much and played huge roles in my life last year.

1. Bobbi- I have always always always loved Bobbi (aka Sister O) and she honestly saved me through so much. I met her years ago on a church camp and we became really close. We used to go for dinner once a month and just talk for hours. I loved our conversations, and she genuinely cared about what I was feeling, which was important to me. I was with her the day before I had Cash, and then she came to see us in the hospital. She gave me a blanket for him that she had made for her baby (who ended up being a girl) and so she was keeping it to give to someone special. I kept that blanket as a reminder of all I've been through and cherish it very much. 

2. Gloria, Lindsay, Cathy, and Michelle- The women I counseled with. All had something to do with LDSFS, and I saw each of them weekly. They made sure I was aware of all the options and that I was making the right decision, for me and for Cash. Without their support and love I don't know what I would have done. They were so easy to talk to, and helped me with anything I needed. I still feel close to all 4, and am so grateful for the roles they played in my life throughout the hard times. I love them all so much! 

3. Guest speakers that I talked to during my pregnancy- Gloria had lots of people come to our classes and talk to us about their stories. We talked to lawyers, single moms, nurses, birthmoms, adoptive parents, women who kept one child and placed another, and couples who placed and then ended up getting married. Their stories were so touching, and helped all of us girls so so much. It was so helpful to talk to people who had been through what I was going through, and get important information from the lawyers and nurses.

4. The people from my church- You'd think being a pregnant 17-year old would turn some heads and get some negative attention, but honestly I had never felt so loved, and accepted as I did during those 9 months. This might all be in my head and maybe I am living in denial, but not once did I ever feel judged or disowned by the people I went to church with. I guess that because I went every week, maybe people were used to seeing me and didn't really think about it after awhile. Whatever the reasoning for it was, I am so grateful for all the people from my ward who supported and loved me no matter what the circumstances were. It just goes to show that we shouldn't judge people for their mistakes, because everyone can change. 

5. This may seem a little odd, but I am going to mention all the people from LCI- Walking the halls of that high school and trying to fit in a desk surrounded by 30 classmates was a little uncomfortable, to say the least. But everyone there made it so much easier, because they accepted me and did not say rude comments. I know how judgmental teenagers can be, I am relieved I did not hear any of that personally. Most acted like I wasn't gaining a pound a day, which was nice. My friends were still my friends, regardless. Teachers were kind to me, and treated me just like any of their other students- which was really important to me and I am thankful for that. I didn't want to be given any special treatment, because that would only draw more attention to myself. They worked with me, and I did my best to blend in to everyone else. (which is difficult when you have a basketball for a belly. on a little side note- ever wondered how overweight people feel, trying to squish into one of those stupid desks with the chairs attached? well let me tell you, it is no easy task. Near the end of school I had to start sitting sideways in my desk because I wouldn't fit anymore :( made a good laugh for all my friends though) 

The list could go on and on, but I think I should end now and just extend a HUGE thank you to everyone else. Your love and support last year is so greatly appreciated, words can't even say how much the little things you did got me through the big things. I love you all!! 

one day you'll see me there.

I know I have already fallen behind on my own blog challenge, so hopefully I can catch up within the next few days. This is the first of my posts for the things I L.O.V.E. As of recent, I have decided I have a huge desire to travel the world. I hope to go to some of these places within the next few years, while I can before I actually have to grow up and experience the terrifying "real world". The following is a short compilation of the places I will one day visit- Cuba, the Grand Canyon, Greece, London, New York, Niagara Falls, a Rainforest, Rome, Africa, Thailand, Paris, Egypt, the Great Barrier Reef and Peru. Of course I would love to see many many more, but these ones are on my for sure bucket list- just you wait and see. 

not on God's time.

Tonight I went to a church fireside with my mom and some family friends, and picked up on a little quote that our Stake President said. 

It really made me think and I hope it will be comforting to those who need a little help at this time in their life. 

God's Time is not always Our Time.

As humans we naturally want things to happen right now, in this very moment. But we need to stop and take a look at the big picture. Our time here is just the beginning of what is to come, so what is the rush? I've said this numerous times before, and I'll keep saying it as long as it is true. Everything happens for a reason. What that reason is however, we might not know for a long time. Or even at all. That shouldn't matter though- because our Father in Heaven knows. Isn't that good enough? It sure was to me. I wasn't ready to be a mother, yet I was expecting a child. Even though I loved Cash so so much, it wasn't the right time for me to raise a baby. There was a woman waiting patiently for God's timing to catch up with hers so she could care for a child, 

and we were led to each other. 

I know a woman who recently lost a baby. She counseled me throughout my pregnancy, and was present when I placed Cash with D&Y. My heart aches for her and her husband, because they would have made great parents. Sadly, their timing just wasn't parallel to God's and their child was taken back home early. Some people might think this is unfair- why would something like this happen to good people? Well, everything happens for a reason, 

and He needed that spirit back in heaven with him.

No matter the situation, we can't ever doubt that God doesn't love us or care about us if we are doing everything we can, we just have to be patient and have faith that things will happen on his time. 

a little bit of love

This month, I am going to do the (ahem) "cliche thing" and write daily posts about that little 4 letter word- L.O.V.E. Seemed only fitting since Valentines Day is coming up right?! Here are 25 things I love/am passionate about, and will be posting about some of them over the next month when I have nothing else to write about, haha.. 

1. Cash, of course!

2. Dance, and my teammates

3. My nieces and nephews (4 1/2 in total)

4. D&Y

5. Family

6. Best Friends

7. Hairstyling and Makeup Artistry

8. Blogging

9. YOU, the reader

10. Beliefs and Values

11. Curtis aka Cash's Birthdaddy

12. Self-Worth
13. Shopping, Clothes, Jewelry, etc.

14. Education

15. Those who have helped me along the way

16. Traveling the world

17. Oprah. 

18. Adoption

19. One Tree Hill & Gossip Girl

20. Boxes & Picture Frames

21. Unhealthy Food.

22. Quotes & Songs that have meaning

23. The Backstreet Boys & Aaron Carter. 

24. Vision Boards.

25. & lastly of course.. The Apple's that bring you this blog :)

happiness

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing who and what we do have. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect- it just means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.